Oh Shit!!!

this post was inspired from my minnesota friend upon sharing the details.

so, for the past 2 months i have had some digestive issues. things have not been regular for me. not normal. a.k.a. shitting my brains out. before i got called to go to portland 2 months ago, i felt a chest cold coming on. so, being the hypocondriac i am, i went to the doctor and asked for some drugs. after an examination and reminding him of the drugs i am allergic to, he put me on a 3 day z-pack. i read the instructions and saw that 4-5% of people get the shits as a side effect. i was told to stop the medication immediately if any of the side effects happened.

well, low and behold, i fall into that 4-5%. almost exactly 4 hours to the minute of popping that hot pink pill, i found myself in the restroom amazed at what was coming out, or should i say flowing out, of my body. being the stubborn motherfcuker i am, i continued the medication because i could not afford getting sick while out on location. make a long story short, i ended up getting sicker while on location thanks to the portland weather.

after returning home, my digestive problems kept plaguing me. my dad kept telling me to 'give it time. let the drugs work their way out of your system.' and oh, 'try some acidopholis.' well, after a 60 pill bottle of acid-whatever, still no improvement. i tried not drinking alcohol. didn't help. tried watching what i ate. didn't help. after 2 months of making sure i knew where every bathroom was every time i went out of the house, i said enough is enough and went back to the doctor.

i was fortunate enough to get an early appointment before having to come into work. so, there i was in the dr's office figuring out exactly how i could explain why i am back for the 3rd time within 2 months. the nurse came in and did all of the normal stuff...weigh me, take my blood pressure, make me feel as comfortable as you can get in a doctor's office. my doctor entered and i explained why i was back. i stripped down (upon his request) and got on the examining table. he felt around...stomach is a little tender. but nothing to freak about. asked me to stand in front of him, which i did. yanked down my undies and the exam continued. this is where i'd wish that the story turned into an interesting porno storyline, but it doesn't. my dr. asked me to turn around and bend over. my response was 'excuse me.' and before i knew it, i was turned around, my face was shoved down on the table and i heard the slap of the latex glove. begin porno music here. not really. tell me more, tell me more. my dr's fingers, not one but two, were now shoved up my ass. and did i mention that the blinds which faced oncoming traffic on the street were wide open? granted his office is 7 floors up, but still!!! 'wow. i'm the top. i'm the top' raced through my mind as my prostate was getting massaged. thank whomever that my dr. is not hot by any means and an errection did not follow. blood was taken, viles were given to me to return 'samples' and i packed up what was left of my dignity as i left. i also left with a nice clump of lube up my ass as i made my way into work. i ran for the restroom and saw that the lube the dr. left behind not only made its way through my calvins, but onto the inside of my jeans. fortunately, that is where it stopped.

can't get worse you ask? fast-forward to the next morning when i know i must try and successfully complete my samples. the holiday weekend is approaching and any samples made after the weekend would be liquor filled. i psychologically constipated myself. the minute i got to work, i had to go. well, i jumped back into my car, raced like a bat out of hell and was determined to complete my samples.

now, for those of you who actually read this and know me, picture this. me, wearing nothing but a shirt and socks squatting over a plastic bag giving my samples. now, i have seen and heard a lot of disgusting things. i have even rolled over in my own puke back in college. but this moment in time, was by far, the most disgusting thing i have ever had to do. thank god i read the directions that were provided and didn't try and just 'hit the target.' success. 3 samples that went into my drawer and hidden until turned in the next day and 1 sample wrapped in several plastic bags and shoved to the back of the freezer. this is when having roommates can work against ya. into the lab on friday. i will now think of the people who must run tests on these samples every time i think my job sucks.

as of now, happy to say that all of my bloodwork returned normal. because of the holiday, still waiting on the samples. and still having to know where the bathroom is. good times.

It Ain't Easy Being Green

no one said life is easy. if it were, visions of people all doing the same thing with permanent sh*t eating grins plastered on their faces come to mind. and how boring the world would be.

now, i am not patting myself on the back or trying to stand on some higher plane than anyone else, but i have overcome a few obstacles here and there in my 28 years on this earth. obstacles in which i am proud to have overcome. i was forced to become an adult rather quickly when my parents got divorced and take on responsabilities many 6-year-olds are not expected to handle. upon turning 18, i never once asked my parents for anything nor did i expect them to bail me out of any situation i got myself into. i changed my major half way through college, went after my passion and busted my ass in order to fulfill the credits i needed to still graduate on time. i completely picked up, quit my dead-end job and found the money when there wasn't any to go to grad school in an effort to advance my career. i even acknowledged to myself and certain family members that i am gay. and a proud gay man no less. i recognize and acknowledge other peoples accomplishments. and i am not naive or stupid enough to think i am the only one who has had to endure these struggles in the history of the world. i enjoy learning from others experiences and sharing mine with those who ask.

however, the one area i continue to struggle in and have yet to overcome is dating. it seems to be a vicious cycle that i cannot seem to break. i have been out for about 10 years now. and let's face it. guys are guys. whether they are gay or straight, a guy is still a guy. and most guys are a**holes. now, i can admit that there is the distinct possability that it is me. i will be the first to admit that i am by no means perfect. i have flaws and relationship/commitment issues.

is it a coincidence that all of the guys i end up dating all turn out the same way? could it be that i have fallen into a pattern? nice on the outside, but freak out on the inside when things seem to be going well. is that them or me? newsflash fellas...i really am a nice guy who is not out for anything from people. the only thing i expect from people is to be treated the way in which i treat them. and oh, i don't cheat. i know it seems hard to believe that a gay man claims to not cheat, but it is true. i have been cheated on (big surprise) and have been the 'other' person. but i refuse to be the cheater. the other two positions suck, why expose myself to the third?

many people who know me claim that i have a heart of steel which will let nothing or no one in. and to an extent, that is true. i am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. and why is that? because it always does. no matter how good or bad the relationship/person is, something always happens. it may not come in the first few weeks or even the first few months. but, it will happen. i guarantee it. in my opinion, better sooner than later. this way feelings aren't that far involved and no one gets hurt.

i am the type who always walks away from a relationship/dating someone at the first sign of a problem. one little thing and bam!...i am gone. don't have the time for it. besides, why continue and run the risk of getting hurt? or give someone else the power to hurt me? hello, defense mechanisms take affect.

my last relationship was a disaster. it was the first time in which i ever learned what it felt like to be in love. and for as bad as i was hurt, i still say that it was love. at least on my end it was. before him and even after him i practiced the notion of 'fcuk 'em and leave 'em.' get out while you still can and while the heart is still in tact.

however, within the last month, someone reeled me in hook, line and sinker. kept telling myself to not think, just go with the flow and enjoy what is growing into a mature, respectable, balanced relationship. enjoy his words and steady compliments. listen to your friends. you deserve this. finally, my dating kharma is coming back to me. the universe is throwing me a bone. maybe the other shoe will hang high for a while.

i was wrong. once again.

now i have heard and even used a lot of excuses in my 10 years of dating. the best came last night. i was woken up out of dead sleep by the person i am currently dating to be told that he is so scared he is sabotaging what we have. and how is he doing this you ask? by saying he would spend the night with me, yet go out til after midnight with his friends and proceed to get loaded. honestly, i could care less what he does. there isn't a ring on my finger (and with the way this country is going, there never will be) and it's only been a month. we don't live together and i do not control anyone. why? because i want no one controlling me. a simple phone call telling me where he was headed and that the plans have slightly changed would have sufficed. instead, i get a drunken phone call explaining his sabotage plans and the fact that he is petrified that i will break his heart. and where was i when all of this was taking place? that's right, asleep in bed. that's always where i do my most damaging heart braking. make what you want of that last sentence.

are guys just stupid? a**holes? not mature enough to enter into relationships before the age of 40? i feel that the answer to all of these questions may be yes. i have to admit, after 10 years of partaking in the game of dating, it is getting real old. i think i may be ready to come out of the game coach.

Short & Sweet

this entry will be short, sweet and to the point because i have been up since 6 am, out on location since 7 am and had a spur of the moment meeting upon returning to the office. basically, my mind is mush.

however, i wanted to say 'thank you' to mr. george lucas. i saw your last and final installment in the 'star wars' saga saturday night. this is the one i had been waiting 28 years for.

i must say episode III has made up for the two previous catastrophic events. and i can say that since i have been a devout fan upon seeing the first when i was 6. they were tragic!!!

even though i only got the actual darth vader suit for a total of maybe a minute, it was a great movie.

so, thank you mr. lucas. now, go off to a galaxy far, far away and rest. you deserve it.

I Don't Get It, I Don't Get It.

i've said it once and i'll say it again. there are many things in this world that i just do not understand. i don't understand how a thermus can keep things both hot and cold. i don't understand how the body can remember to keep breathing when you fall asleep and are no longer conscious. i don't understand why compact discs have that security sticker on 3 of the 4 sides when wrapped in plastic anyway. i don't understand just how stupid, inconsiderate and unreliable people can really be. but the one thing i really don't understand is why things happen to certain people and not others. hunh?! let me explain.

as i write this, i have a second cousin back home floating back and forth between consciousness and unconsciousness while laying in a hospice. she is only 56 and will be leaving behind a husband and daughter. from what i have been told (because i was too young to remember) when she was 25 she had breast cancer. she had a massectomy and was clean for another 25 years. fcuking 25 years after all was said and done, the cancer returned and brought along with it MS. it would appear that after six years of battling, my cousin's fight is coming to an end. and i want to know why.

here is a woman who did not have a single mean bone in her body and cared for and watched both of her parents deteriorate into nothing. her mother (my great aunt) was a royal be-otch and was the one who caused the family drama, arguements and tension. being the traditional italian family we are, several family members cut off my aunt, her off-spring and her off-spring's off-spring. everyone that is, except my grandmother. who happens to be the most compassionate person i have ever met. unfortunately, my cousin suffered for her mother's shortcomings. as she lay in the hospice, i wonder who in my family knows of her current condition and who in the family cares? when all is said and done, family is still family. and why should my cousin be punished in her extreme time of need because of arguements, feelings and battles among the previous generation? and i ask again, why did someone who did not have a mean bone in her body be dealt this hand of cards to play?

i am not one who wishes anything bad on anyone. well, i try not to. but there are murderers, child molesters, drug dealers and rapists running free or in jail who end up dying of natural causes. people who are bitter and rotten to the core who end up expiring in their sleep one night at the ripe old age of 98. why should a compassionate 56-year-old have a life that ends so soon and in this painful, deteriorating, shameful manner?

switching gears...another thing i don't understand is how some people, again who are rotten to the core, have the ability to step in sh*t each and every time when it comes to events in their life. there is one person in particular who i am referring to. this person complains about everything in life...professional situation, personal situation, financial situation, etc. yet, this bitter, pathetic excuse of a person does not realize how good they have had it. somehow, this person has never really suffered when it comes to the professional life. again, manages to always step in sh*t. ever since graduation. unlike myself and many of my friends, this bitter, pathetic excuse of a person has never been unemployed for a long period of time or has really known what it is like to do hard labor. physical circumstances, we'll call them, would never allow this bitter, pathetic excuse of a person to be on their feet for very long anyway.

i just don't understand why things happen to certain people. how, where and when are the giant horseshoes which are shoved up some people's asses handed out? if anyone knows, please share that information with me. i'll be one of the first in line dropping trow and bending over. and that's not something which happens very often. just ask the current person i am dating.

The End of Two Eras

there are two 'things' which are coming to an end this week. actually, 'storylines' would be a much better word to use. those storylines would be for the show 'everybody loves raymond' and 'star wars.' honestly, i could give two sh*ts less about 'raymond' and have been anticipating the final installment of the star wars saga for about 28 years now.

why do i not care about 'raymond?' i'll tell you why. because that is my family being portrayed every week on the small screen. the characters of frank and marie are my grandparents for as long as i can remember. the constant yelling and putting one another down in every other sentence. yup. my grandparents in every way, shape and form. for the longest time growing up as a kid, i thought that arguing was the only way everyone talked to one another. raising your voice was the only way the other person could hear you. and the relationship marie has with ray's wife. yup, the relationship my mom had with my grandmother, aunts have had with their daughter-in-laws, etc. the only difference is that my dad isn't as moronic and inconsiderate as ray romano.

now, the end of the star wars era brings a tear to my eye if i think about it long and hard enough. when i think about my childhood and some of the things that made it what it was, star wars always pops into the picture. there were very few moments before i hit the age of ten when i couldn't be found playing with my action figures, totting my darth vader carrying case along with me, sleeping on my star wars sheets, drinking my milk out of those limited addition glasses that could only be found at burger king.

it wasn't until half way through my childhood, and when i was able to understand roman numerials, that i realized george lucas started with episode IV and ended with VI. well, what happened before and what the fcuk happens after the victorious celebration with the ewoks? and i cannot tell you the impression that was left on me the first time i ever saw 'star wars.' the first few minutes of that movie are my favorite among the entire trilogy. here we have a battle scene and in walks this complete black man/machine who surveys the area, looks around takes a few deep breaths and says nothing. wow. but how did he get that way? what caused him to be in the dark suit? why is he so evil? and why do i like him so much? questions. questions. i need answers george!!!

and so came my answers a few years ago. the first two movies in the prequel were not all that they were cracked up to be. let's call a spade a spade. 'phantom' absolutely sucked. i mean really sucked. too much crammed into a 2-hour movie when you still have 2 more movies to go. and the dialogue with the kid playing anikan. george, are you kidding me?!?!? 'clones' was a bit better. except for all that romantic bullsh*t, rolling around in the grass. come on. han and leia were a lot more tactful ane able to stomach in 'empire' and 'jedi.' you didn't see them in the back of the millenium falcon.

so, yes, 'sith' is a big deal for me. i get to see how my favorite character of all time in movie history came to be. although, rumor has it that i will have to wait for over 2 hours before i get to see the dark, metallic suit. i am looking forward to it. so please, george. don't let me down.

All Bush Sucks.

i never ever talk politics. i was brought up under the belief that there are just a few topics that one never discusses with those close to him or her. that would be sex, religion and politics. i have thrown the first one out the window long ago, but have done a fairly decent job at keeping my opinions on the latter two to myself.

yesterday, i read a friend's blog (angryblackbitch. which i HIGHLY recommend) and read a topic that made me pretty angry. i will admit that i never watch the news or pick up a newspaper. some may say this is ignorant, but to be honest, the world is depressing enough and filled with heartache. why read about it or be told in the short span of 30 minutes all that is wrong. i know this world ain't perfect. i figure that if something major is taking place and is talked about, eventually i'll hear about it.

so, needless to say, i was a day behind the whole airplane flying into the 'no fly zone' which lies over our nation's capital. here was a tiny two-seater plane supposedly lost on its way to an airshow in north carolina making its way over d.c. and it was reported that the pilot and passenger were using visual landmarks as their guide to try and get back course. guess those 4 warning shots that exploded around them weren't enough for them to realize where they were.

now, it is not the fact that these two a**holes got off course and were ignorant enough to try and get back on course visually that makes me mad (typical guys not asking for directions). it is not the fact that for 8 solid minutes our country's terrorism alert was raised to red. it is not the fact that many people in and around the surrounding area probably felt september 11th was happening all over again. it is not the fact that people were running from buildings and being lifted out of their shoes in order to escape. none of those things make me mad. what made me mad is finding out where that a**hole of a leader this country (excluding myself because there is no way in fcuking hell i was voting for him) voted into office was during these 8 minutes. motherfcuker was out riding his bike with a college friend. probably discussing how to get his friend out of the latest mistake he had made.

that's right. riding his fcuking bike. and lets think back to almost 3 and a half years ago. where was he the morning of september 11th? displaying to the world just how far up his literacy level is by reading to a class of 1st graders. not defending him, but justifying that one in that no one knew what was going to happen that day.

to quote angryblackbitch, 'the economy has gone to shit, North Korea has nukes and an itch it use them, Russia is sliding back into tyranny, Iraq is the war that just keeps on going and my ass is considering selling eggs to pay for gas?' and where is this a**hole? riding his fcuking schwinn. and it's not like he's got the body to show for it. with all that going on shouldn't that motherfcuker have insomnia?!

i know 2 things. the first is that i voted back on november 2nd, 2004 and feel that none of this is my fault what-so-ever. i did my best to get this motherfcuker out. did the rest of the country not see 'farenhiet 911?!' and second, the secret service got the person who seems to be the real leader of this country to a safer, secure area in no time flat. laura was evacuated immediately.

Your Business is Our Business

one thing that has always maintained my interest and curiousity is the dynamics that make up relatiosnhips/friendships among people. the way people treat one another completely blows me away. it amazes me to see just how inhumane humanity can be. i would definately say this observation has really been moved to the forefront for me ever since my assault over two years ago. that in itself still puzzles me.

they (again, exactly who is 'they?')say that birds of a feather flock together. that you can tell a lot about a person by the people they surround themselves with. again, something that has moved into the forefront for me. as i get older and supposedly wiser and more mature, i can generally tell within 5 minutes of meeting someone exactly what type of person they are. am i an expert? no. but in that short amount of time, i can generally decide for myself whether or not i have the energy to put into dealing with the person who stands before me. i look at it this way. life is way too short and there is no reason to waste my time and energy on people that suck life out of you or just take too much energy being friends with.

looking at my dating past, whew. there have been some dozzies. hopefully, dozzies that i have learned from. and i am not talking about the individual i was dating, but the people they surrounded themself with. my personal favorite is group of friends one of my exs hangs with. the group dynamics was like no other i had ever seen before. and hope to never encounter again. here was a group that was all up in each other's business and that literally dictated the events, gatherings, where-abouts and sometimes intimate moments of one another. i am talking to the point of god-forbid one of them had to eat a meal alone or didn't have saturday brunch plans with someone else in the group. individuality, seperateness and alone time was definately not a factor within this group. i have to admit, it made an outsider, dating someone within the group, extremely difficult. no conversations, alone time or intimacy were sacred or respected. they had all (but one of them) slept with one another and a few still had some tension that was yet to be resolved. all in all, a group psychologist's wet dream.

i will be the first to admit that i am an only child and hold my friends very near and dear to my heart. they are my pseudo-siblings, my family. i am extremely protective of each and every one of them. boyfriends and girlfriends who have dated my friends have often said, 'when you date (put name in here) you date their best friend as well.' to an extent, yes. but, i have never interferred or dictated the evolution of any one of my friend's relationships. i have always made it very clear that what you do to my friend, you do to me. and that with one phone call home i have cousins who can eliminate you.

for the reasons mentioned above, i have recently been extremely weary of getting back on that dating horse and not only dating new people, but meeting the friends of the people i date. past experiences of going out on dates in 3s and having friends of the person i am dating know what's going on before me have haunted me for some time. recently, i began dating someone who i really like and am starting to care very much for. which is why when i was in the car on my way to meet his friends at the bar, i was absolutely petrified. all i could do was think to myself 'please do not let history repeat itself. i cannot go through all of that again.'

let me just say how pleasantly surprised i was. not only did this group of new people take me in with open arms, which included respect and a geniune curiousity about me, but they display it to one another as well. the dynamics are normal!!! oh my god, there are guys out there who can be respectful to one another without being bitchy, catty and clicky. and the best part (and most important) was that the person i am dating did not change one bit when surrounded by his friends. he was still the same great, loving, sweet, energetic, fun person i got to know one-on-one.

so, guess that what i am trying to say is that it is nice to be proven wrong every once and a while. and even nicer to have past ghosts and memories eliminated so that there is room for the new and better ones that are currently being made.

Sophia? Murphy? Julia? Anyone?

well, it is the beginning/middle of the month of may and that could only mean one thing is upon us. aside from increasing temperatures and humidity, the expected season finales and cliff hangers are rapidly approaching. but i must say that for the first time in 28 years, i could care less. tv absolutely sucks. there is only one show that i need to make sure i see, tape, read the about on the internet, etc. and that is 'desperate housewives.'

it seems that we are currently stuck in a world of over-populated and over-played reality tv. i will be the first to admit that i was once a 'reality tv whore' when they first started. i'm talking 3 or 4 shows back-to-back every night. it got so bad that my family actually considered an intervention to try and ween me off the lives of the people i now considered to know personally. my justification for it all was that i enjoyed watching people make complete a**es of themselves, trying to find love with complete strangers, trying to live and work with people completely opposite of themselves and people trying to do outrageous physical challenges all for some cash. but at the end of the day, it made me feel better to see these pathetic people on tv trying to get 15 minutes of fame. their pain, suffering and level of being pathetic made me realize that my life wasn't so bad. they entertained me and made me feel good about myself. that wasn't me sitting in a hot tub making out with a different person for all of the country to see. granted, it has been the scene of a few weekends from my past, but at least millions of people were not viewing it.

the truth of the matter is that there is just not a lot of good writing out there anymore. even the shows that are currently still on air and that i was once faithful to have gone downhill. and fast.

'will & grace' used to be hilarious. finally, for the first time, a gay man was portrayed as a professional who dressed well, had amazing friendships, a beautiful apartment and was intelligent. and there was the flipside in the character of jack, who is a person we all know. point being is that it was good, intelligent writing that was realistic. and then all of a sudden, the character of will is dating a cop who gets fired for trying on a pair of gloves in a department store while covering a robbery. are you kidding me?!

'friends' is over and 'joey' just doesn't cut it. 'friends' is another example in which the show started out amazingly in its writing, did a downward spiral, but bounced back to round out the series. some of the older shows are classic. the only thing that ever bothered me about that show is that there is no way in hell a coffeshop waitress could afford an apartment like that. i don't care whose grandmother's name was on the lease. and i have a friend who is upset that there were never any brown-skinned peeps in nyc. guess guliani had them all removed along with the homeless.

and 'the apprentice.' after 3 seasons, getting old and predictable. however, in my opinion, the smartest of the reality tv shows in which there are no pysical challenges taking place. what we have here are a series of mental challeges and a challenge of 'survival of the fittest' when it comes time to defend yourself in the boardroom.

say what you want about the 80s and 90s, but that was a time of well-written, thought-provoking television. take me back to the days where a character's monologue and summary of the entire episode started with 'picture this. sicily. 1935.' i mean, come on. it doesn't get much better than telling stories of 4 senior citizen woman sharing a house in miami. or 4 southern belles running an interior decorating company in atlanta. and let's not forget the loud-mouthed, hard a** anchorwoman in washington d.c. who faced recovery from alcoholism and became a single mother challenging the then vice-president and his ridiculous comments on the issue. and finally, the overwieght, loud mouth mother of 3 living in landford, illinois. you know, the show that portrayed how american families really are when struggling to deal with family and real life adult issues. ok, she can't sing, but the b*tch kept it real and told the truth for parents everywhere. and there was none of that brady-esque happy ending all the time.

one thing that i have noticed is that the formula for a great, well-wriiten television show is to have the lead character(s) be a woma(e)n. that observation can be traced all the way back to the original comedy duo of lucy and ethel. there was maude, alice, one day at a time, three's company. do we see a pattern here people? the last great female dominated show there was had to be the classic 'sex and the city.' there will never be another like it. love, relationships, friendships and sex all told through the eyes and views of woman. smart, educated women no less. 'desperate housewives' is very well written and entertaining. but is not old enough yet to be held up to the flame that the previous shows mentioned hold.

i know that when i get horizontal on the couch and flip through the 600 channels i have of crap, there is always two places i can land to be reminded that there was once a time of great tv. that would be nick at nite and tv land. there, i can find strong, thought provoking characters telling interesting, true stories. with the click of my remote, i am transported back to miami, atlanta, landford, washington d.c. and even boston. forgot to mention 'cheers.' not female dominated, but a great show.

it's either that or pop in my dvds of 'sex,' 'golden girls' or 'murphy.' much better to laugh at the truth than watch people have scorpions hanging from their crotch.

Women. Can't Live With Them. Can't Live Without Them...Literally

sunday is mother's day and this entry is dedicated to my mama. unfortunately, i am a few hundred miles away and there are a few states in between us, so i will not be able to be with her on sunday. however, i thought this would be the perfect opportunity to highlight her, mention her and acknowledge everything she has done and sacrificed for me.

just like every mother and her child, we had our ups and downs when it came to our relationship. our relationship was pretty average when i was a small kid. when i was a teenager and going through high school, that is when we really hit the rough patches. just like every other teenager on the planet, i could not stand her and we were in constant conflict. it wasn't until my late teens and when i left for college, that a more mature, respectable relationship formed between the two of us. and that was when it started sinking in just how much she sacrificed for me, but was too selfish and stubborn to see.

my parents got divorced when i was six. my dad was always around and contributed for everything i needed. i actually saw him and spoke to him more after they got divorced than when they were still together. my mom worked long hours and i was left to handle a lot of adult responsabilities at a very young age. she made sure we did things together and took vacations often.

my mom also taught me to be respectful, say 'please' and 'thank you' and never interupt or talk back to an adult. don't get me wrong, i did a lot of things wrong. fortunately, i was just that good that i never got caught. one other thing she taught me was how to take care of myself, be an individual and have an opinion of my own. make sure your voice is heard, but in a respectable dignified manner. she was the perfect role model for the three things just mentioned.

i never could understand growing up, why my mom never dated after she and my dad split. it wasn't until college that i had the nerve to ask her. her response was this, 'i had a 6-year-old to raise. i wasn't one fo those women who needed to go out and find another man to take care of us.' wow. it was at that moment at the table of legal seafoods in boston where everything finally sunk in for me. to think of what this woman sitting before me has given up. holy crap!

my mom has always been there when i needed her. whether minutes or states away, she was always there offering encouragement, support and strength. i can tell her absolutely anything, with some natural limitations. but, i know that no matter what i do or what i tell her (and trust me, there have been some doozies) she will always love me. and i her. so, thank you mom. thank you for always being there, for being my friend and for being my mom.

Make a Wish and Blow

today is cinco de mayo, but it is also the 30th birthday of the one person who managed to break my heart into a million tiny, little pieces. so, instead of saying 'happy birthday' i am going to say 'thank you.' and the reason for my thanks will hopefully become evident by the end of this post. at first glance, it may come across as a bitter, vengeful attack, and maybe it is, but i got some things to get off my chest.

first of all, i am willing to bet that instead of celebrating himself and the fact that this is 'his day' and he has made it another year, that he is acting all melodramatic and depressed that he is now 30 and'old.' and you know what honey? for a fag, you are getting old. so, my suggestion would be this. stop ending up on your back for everyone who buys you a drink and start getting serious. down the road, no one wants a used up ho who has practically slept with everyone in a major city. now i understand why everyone gave me looks when you'd introduce me as your boyfriend. after the shock of you settling down hit them, it was because you were tricking with them not so long ago. and that happened everywhere we would go...the mall, the movies, the gym and even out for ice cream. nice to know that my partner has been around the block and then some. must be an unsettling feeling to know you may have run out of men to sleep with and may have to go back to women because of that.

are you getting fat and putting on weight? i used to tell you what you wanted to hear because i am no idiot. i know all about relationship ettiquette. and who needs the drama of telling the truth? but now that i can say it, yes. you have love handles and no chest at all. your ass has always looked fabulous. but then again, could be from all the play it's seen. word of advice. you might want to slow down or do some squats to tighten it up a bit. you're good in bed, i'll give ya that. but, makes achieving an orgasim harder when it feels like i am fcuking nothing due to its ability to stretch oh so much. so, put the malibu and diets down and hit the gym to do some squats, lunges and bench pressing.

and finally, ditch the catty, bitchy group of queens you hang with. you've all slept together already, so where is the excitement, mystery and sense of adventure? and let's be honest any group whose motto is 'you're business is our business' is really not worth knowing, but only gives in to the stereotypical associations of what gay people are. they are an impossible group to get to know or like because one never knows just how much they can be trusted and what they will use against you in the future. they were the downfall with us and i am sure many in the future. who knows, maybe you'll end up with one of them. some of the best relationships are supposed to come from those built on friendship first. thought that was the case with us. boy, was i wrong. knowing that much about you definately made it harder.

so, instead of wishing you a happy birthday i want to say thank you. thank you for ending our relationship. thank you for lying to me, for breaking my heart and for throwing away 2 and a half years of friendship. you woke my a** up. i admit, i did my whoring around after our relationship ended. i calculated it as making up for lost time. thank you for making me say that i would never let someone treat me that way again and for turning around and treating others like crap. i had to go through that to all of a sudden meet someone who stopped me dead in my tracks. to meet someone who respects me, treats me like a gentleman, appreciates me for what and who i am and takes me into consideration with everything he does. pretty much treats me like his partner, his equal. and who has really cool friends who respect one another.

so, i would be willing to bet that you'll go out tonight with your friends, get drunk and either wake up tomorrow with a complete stranger or by yourself. i, on the other hand, will wake up knowing that i have someone awesome in my life who seems to really like me. and is really hot, both on the inside and outside.

The 'Ole Ball & Chain

this morning while getting ready for work, i heard something over the radio that really got my mind to thinking. apparently, the first lady recently upstaged her hubby at some sort of banquet dinner. she cracked a few jokes (i have heard a statistic that more than 50% of what we say as a joke is in fact us speaking the truth. mhhhmmmmmm), showed the public that she and the idiot she married have a human relationship and overall, she's really funny. as a result of the first lady showing that she has a sense of humor (look at her husband) some people were all up in arms saying that she disrespected him and should just act all submissive and sh*t.

are you fcuking kidding me? what is this? 1953?!!!! i got news for everyone. it's 2005 and women have come a long way in this world. and thank the universe for that. we are now in a time in which women have made strides for themselves and may in fact make more money than their husbands, significant others, boyfriends, girlfriends, fcuk buddies, whatever. and to be honest, women make the workplace a lot more interesting. they sure as hell keep me on my toes when it comes time to compete for projects. and i will be the first to admit, there are women out there who do the same job that i do and are a hell of a lot better at it. i mean, come on, let's give credit where credit is due. would a man honestly be able to hold down a job, keep a house, raise a few kids and make sure dinner is on the table each and every night? most of the men i know can't even suck a d*ck while getting plowed from behind at the same time.

i know tons of women who do their own thing and have men in their life who accept it. as far as i am concerned, relationships are 50/50. there is a level of respect and understanding that needs to exist between 2 people. yes, i love spending time with the person i am involved with, but there are also times that i want to do my own thing. and please, get the fcuk out of my face for a second. give me some room to remember who i am. i am not going to put a ball and chain around your ankle. and why? because i sure as hell don't want one of my own.

i look at my grandparents. my grandmother is a woman who literally did everything for my grandfather. she cooked, cleaned, raised my father, worked when women didn't and pretty much made my grandfather's life as simple as possible. to the point where he does not even know how to write a check. but, now, she has fallen ill and the tables have turned. he is the one doing everything and she is now kicking herself for all the years he could have been pitching in and lending a hand. i love them both dearly and would do anything for them, but i told her she has no one to blame but herself. she is the one who did it. and she is a pretty blunt person. i could never understand why she never told him to get off his lazy, stereotypical italian ass and wash the dishes. there is no reason why she had to absorb his life into hers and become one person.

so, i give props to our first lady. who, i must say, is the only decent (and 'decent' is the best word i could think of) thing about our current administration. she knows she married an idiot and has every right to let us, as a country, know that she knows. to me, that is much better than jackie and hilary playing stupid to the fact that their husbands can't keep the zipper zipped. but they had/have an agenda so that's ok. you go laura and call your husband an idiot. we all say it everyday, but it is much more impactful when you say it. and in front of the press.

no wonder that crazy beotch fled from georgia to escape her wedding. i don't approve of the way she went about it. but, if people were saying i needed to become submissive to my partner, i wouldn't have stopped at new mexico. there is land out there on the other side of the ocean.

Trend This...

according to the dictionary, the definition of a trend is: a direction of movement; a flow. seems pretty simple and straight-forward. trends have been around for as long as i can remember. fashion trends (i owned a pair of black cavareechies with all the belt buckles), the jennifer aniston haircut trend (i had the leonardo dicaprio 'titanic' haircut), merchandise trends, every child growing up in the 80s having a cabbage patch kid trend, etc, etc.

just because trends have been around since the dawn of time and i have participated in a few, does not mean that i understand them by any means. how does a trend go about getting started? who is the person(s) who say what is cool enough and not cool enough to even become a trend? are there specific criteria to even be considered a trend? so many questions, so many trends.

it would seem to me that we currently have two trends that are running parallel to one another. the first would be those rubber braclettes everyone and their mother, father, children and dogs are wearing. and the other would be those ribbon bumper stickers i have noticed on every bmw, mercedes, vw and motorcycle cruising this country's highways.

the first are those rubber things. not THOSE rubber things (although i do think it would be more amusing to see people wearing those around their wrists), but the braclettes that support a cause. now, don't get me wrong, i am all for raising money and supporting causes. i myself have done many a dance-a-thons and walk-a-thons. hell, i even rode a bike from boston to ny over the course of three days to raise $$$ for those living with hiv/aids. but give me a break. just like the cloth ribbons when they first came out. first, it was the red ribbon for aids awareness. again, i have many of them and continue to support. but, after a while a person's coat or jacket was covered with 50 different colored ribbons. people became a walking paint splatter supporting everything from the environment to chicks with d*cks trying to conceive children. same thing with those rubber things. first, they supported lance armstrong. which again, props to you for overcoming testicular cancer and reminding everyone who the best cyclist is. encouraging people that life goes on and you can bounce back when getting sick. props lance. but ever since then, someone thought 'let me get one of those rubber things and start a cause.' then the multitude of colors came onto the scene. instead of wearing the yellow one, people wore red ones, blue ones, green ones, fushia ones and even magenta ones. and then one person, one person i tell ya, thought 'why not wear more than one?' i have seen people with so many rubber braclette thingies that in a pinch, would have no problem constructing a home-made condom. these rubber thingies have become fashionable.

and what's up with the bumper stickers? i have never understood why a person would shell out thousands of dollars for a brand new set of wheels to only put a permanent sticker on it. and what happens if you get rid of the car or your favorite candidate lost miserably in the last election? now what? it is a continuous display to other people that you don't know how to pick a winner. the bumper stickers i am referring to are those ribbon bumper stickers. again, they started off supporting our troops overseas. which when it comes to this topic, i will say that i support our troops, but not the reasons why and a**holes who decide to send them to wherever they end up. my best friend is in the navy. to her, it is a job and her duty. i respect that. but once again, like every other trend, we've gone overboard. there are ribbon bumper stickers for everything. the troops, petaphiles supporting michael jackson, even drunk drivers who support those who have seen the light and join aa.

i think as a society, we push everything overboard. we overkill everything. and all for greed. who can make the most bucks and the fastest. so much so that it no longer seems like the support of a good cause, but the overkill of the $$$ making machine. we tend to lose sight of the true nature and meaning behind the object and just view it as trendy.

the only thing on my wrist is my watch and a burn mark i got when i accidently touched the pot on the stove. and i guarantee you won't see a blur of color on the bumper of my car as i whiz past you doing 84 mph. i will continue to support causes i believe in and respect the ones i don't believe. but, i will not support trends.