Your Business is Our Business
one thing that has always maintained my interest and curiousity is the dynamics that make up relatiosnhips/friendships among people. the way people treat one another completely blows me away. it amazes me to see just how inhumane humanity can be. i would definately say this observation has really been moved to the forefront for me ever since my assault over two years ago. that in itself still puzzles me.
they (again, exactly who is 'they?')say that birds of a feather flock together. that you can tell a lot about a person by the people they surround themselves with. again, something that has moved into the forefront for me. as i get older and supposedly wiser and more mature, i can generally tell within 5 minutes of meeting someone exactly what type of person they are. am i an expert? no. but in that short amount of time, i can generally decide for myself whether or not i have the energy to put into dealing with the person who stands before me. i look at it this way. life is way too short and there is no reason to waste my time and energy on people that suck life out of you or just take too much energy being friends with.
looking at my dating past, whew. there have been some dozzies. hopefully, dozzies that i have learned from. and i am not talking about the individual i was dating, but the people they surrounded themself with. my personal favorite is group of friends one of my exs hangs with. the group dynamics was like no other i had ever seen before. and hope to never encounter again. here was a group that was all up in each other's business and that literally dictated the events, gatherings, where-abouts and sometimes intimate moments of one another. i am talking to the point of god-forbid one of them had to eat a meal alone or didn't have saturday brunch plans with someone else in the group. individuality, seperateness and alone time was definately not a factor within this group. i have to admit, it made an outsider, dating someone within the group, extremely difficult. no conversations, alone time or intimacy were sacred or respected. they had all (but one of them) slept with one another and a few still had some tension that was yet to be resolved. all in all, a group psychologist's wet dream.
i will be the first to admit that i am an only child and hold my friends very near and dear to my heart. they are my pseudo-siblings, my family. i am extremely protective of each and every one of them. boyfriends and girlfriends who have dated my friends have often said, 'when you date (put name in here) you date their best friend as well.' to an extent, yes. but, i have never interferred or dictated the evolution of any one of my friend's relationships. i have always made it very clear that what you do to my friend, you do to me. and that with one phone call home i have cousins who can eliminate you.
for the reasons mentioned above, i have recently been extremely weary of getting back on that dating horse and not only dating new people, but meeting the friends of the people i date. past experiences of going out on dates in 3s and having friends of the person i am dating know what's going on before me have haunted me for some time. recently, i began dating someone who i really like and am starting to care very much for. which is why when i was in the car on my way to meet his friends at the bar, i was absolutely petrified. all i could do was think to myself 'please do not let history repeat itself. i cannot go through all of that again.'
let me just say how pleasantly surprised i was. not only did this group of new people take me in with open arms, which included respect and a geniune curiousity about me, but they display it to one another as well. the dynamics are normal!!! oh my god, there are guys out there who can be respectful to one another without being bitchy, catty and clicky. and the best part (and most important) was that the person i am dating did not change one bit when surrounded by his friends. he was still the same great, loving, sweet, energetic, fun person i got to know one-on-one.
so, guess that what i am trying to say is that it is nice to be proven wrong every once and a while. and even nicer to have past ghosts and memories eliminated so that there is room for the new and better ones that are currently being made.
they (again, exactly who is 'they?')say that birds of a feather flock together. that you can tell a lot about a person by the people they surround themselves with. again, something that has moved into the forefront for me. as i get older and supposedly wiser and more mature, i can generally tell within 5 minutes of meeting someone exactly what type of person they are. am i an expert? no. but in that short amount of time, i can generally decide for myself whether or not i have the energy to put into dealing with the person who stands before me. i look at it this way. life is way too short and there is no reason to waste my time and energy on people that suck life out of you or just take too much energy being friends with.
looking at my dating past, whew. there have been some dozzies. hopefully, dozzies that i have learned from. and i am not talking about the individual i was dating, but the people they surrounded themself with. my personal favorite is group of friends one of my exs hangs with. the group dynamics was like no other i had ever seen before. and hope to never encounter again. here was a group that was all up in each other's business and that literally dictated the events, gatherings, where-abouts and sometimes intimate moments of one another. i am talking to the point of god-forbid one of them had to eat a meal alone or didn't have saturday brunch plans with someone else in the group. individuality, seperateness and alone time was definately not a factor within this group. i have to admit, it made an outsider, dating someone within the group, extremely difficult. no conversations, alone time or intimacy were sacred or respected. they had all (but one of them) slept with one another and a few still had some tension that was yet to be resolved. all in all, a group psychologist's wet dream.
i will be the first to admit that i am an only child and hold my friends very near and dear to my heart. they are my pseudo-siblings, my family. i am extremely protective of each and every one of them. boyfriends and girlfriends who have dated my friends have often said, 'when you date (put name in here) you date their best friend as well.' to an extent, yes. but, i have never interferred or dictated the evolution of any one of my friend's relationships. i have always made it very clear that what you do to my friend, you do to me. and that with one phone call home i have cousins who can eliminate you.
for the reasons mentioned above, i have recently been extremely weary of getting back on that dating horse and not only dating new people, but meeting the friends of the people i date. past experiences of going out on dates in 3s and having friends of the person i am dating know what's going on before me have haunted me for some time. recently, i began dating someone who i really like and am starting to care very much for. which is why when i was in the car on my way to meet his friends at the bar, i was absolutely petrified. all i could do was think to myself 'please do not let history repeat itself. i cannot go through all of that again.'
let me just say how pleasantly surprised i was. not only did this group of new people take me in with open arms, which included respect and a geniune curiousity about me, but they display it to one another as well. the dynamics are normal!!! oh my god, there are guys out there who can be respectful to one another without being bitchy, catty and clicky. and the best part (and most important) was that the person i am dating did not change one bit when surrounded by his friends. he was still the same great, loving, sweet, energetic, fun person i got to know one-on-one.
so, guess that what i am trying to say is that it is nice to be proven wrong every once and a while. and even nicer to have past ghosts and memories eliminated so that there is room for the new and better ones that are currently being made.
posted by notfornothin at Thursday, May 12, 2005
2 Comments:
well, you gotta be from the South b/c only my friend from Georgia who lived in Tennesee and Texas says, "Notfer nuthin'" every chance she can....
yeah, word up
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