Friday, April 29, 2005

The Starting of a Brand New Day

it is not often that i am left speechless. i will say that it is an extremely rare occassion. there are only one person on this already over-populated world who has managed to do it in 28 years. it is also not often that a person has the ability to leave me completely dumbfounded. and dumbfounded in a good way is even more rare. which is why i have marked the date and time that it happened. and that would be thursday, april 28th, 2005 at 7:36 pm.

that is exactly when he stepped off the elevator to meet me at my apartment for our second date. i had a pretty clear mental picture of what he looked like and how he acted from our first date the week before. all of those good thoughts were reconfirmed within seconds of laying eyes on him again and without either of us having to say a word.

what puzzeled me was how nerveous i began to get minutes leading up to me seeing him again. i thought to myself that i was being crazy. we had been out before and had a great time. we've had conversations over the phone which lasted for over 2 hours. what the hell am i getting nerveous for? there's gotta be something going on between the two of us. i've given him outs, all of which he bypassed. i found myself starring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror ten minutes before he showed up, talking to myself out loud trying to calm myself down. wtf?!?!? when was the last time anyone had this effect on me? it was like one of those scenes out of a movie where the main character talks to himself trying to justify to the viewing audience what they did 10 minutes ago in the storyline.

as the night wore on, my comfort level shot off the scale. with some hesitation, the indestructable brick wall that lies before became unsteady. being fully aware of this, my emotions scrambled to hold the structure up with great force. in listening to him talk and listening to my responses to his questions and comments, a radical thought entered my mind and shot across every crevis of my brain.

have the dating gods finally come around and cut me a break? what's the catch here? what is it that he wants from me? what does he see in me? is this and he really too good to be true? it's funny, all of my usual bullsh*t and concerns have suddenly been silenced. all of the usual restlessness, worrying and fear calmed itself down and receeded.

they say you often meet someone when looking is the last thing on your mind. i'd like to meet 'they' and know how they came upon this hypothesis. up until recently, i have been making my way through, disposing of guys like paper towels. i was content with that and was well aware of my behavior. but, at the same time, i was left with the same feeling. i can tell you that it was definately not the same feeling i had this morning when i woke up and saw him on the other side of the bed. and get your minds out of the gutter. it was a very clean, respectful evening.

has samantha taken a back seat and allowed miranda, carrie and possibly even charlotte, to grab hold of the spotlight for a while? guess i won't know til i wake up each and every morning.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Coming to a Gym Near You

the other night i followed my usual routine, which was to go to the gym straight from work. while there the thought crossed my mind that i have been working out/exercising for close to 10 years now. you'd never know it by looking at me, but yup, almost 10 years now i have been breaking my a** trying to stay in shape and feel good. throughout those 10 years, i have belonged to all different types of gyms across the country. and i have noticed that even in different types of gyms, in different areas of the country, there are still the same types of people who occupy them.

i'll start with the dudes.

1. the dude who is the personal trainer there and acts like a complete tool in an attempt to impress the female client he is currently training.
2. the dude who is the personal trainer that acts like an even bigger tool when he is there working out for himself. often walks around the facilities acting as if he owns the place.
3. the dude whose color of his tight under armour shirt matches not only the color of his sneakers, but the color of his bandana...everyday.
4. the dude who works out with the color coordinated guy and thinks he is three times his size just because the guy he works out with is three times his size.
5. the dude who smells like pure and utter a**. this is the dude you pray does not come near you for fear of others thinking you are the one who smells like pure and utter a**.
6. the dude who comes to the gym to socialize rather than work out. this is the dude who often invades people's personal space and continues to talk to them even when they are in the middle of a set.
7. the dude who feels the need to grunt like a barbarian during his sets and slams the weights onto the floor at the completion of his sets. upon seeing this dude in the locker room, one word comes to mind...compensation.
8. the two dudes who always work out together, everynight. they are the dudes who seem to be a little bit more than just work out buddies.
9. the dude who brings a book with him to the gym. this is the dude who reads an entire chapter in between sets and holds everyone else up.
10. the dude who is an obvious senior citizen and never got the memo that short shorts left the fashion scene in the mid-80s.
11. the really hot dude who has a beautiful body which is completely ruined when viewing his work out outfit. tank top, shorts and flip flops?!? wtf???
12. the dude who is beautiful with both his body and face. this dude probably does not even need to be working out and would look perfect even when not at the gym. we hate him.
13. the dude who has no clue about anyone else's personal space and decides to stand right in front of you, blocking you out of the mirror, in order to do his sets.
14. the dude who will ask you to spot him if you make eye contact with him. i am sorry motherfcuker. if you can't lift it on your own, that's not my problem. don't bother me.
15. the dude who is too impatient to wait for you to finish your sets and asks if he can work in. hey a**hole, don't you realize that it takes longer to add and subtract the weights and keep readjusting the seat?!?!?
16. the dude who feels the need to touch everyone he speaks to, even when passing you and saying 'excuse me.'
17. the dude who is obviously new to working out and the gym itself. this is the dude who often wanders around looking confused and lost.
18. the dude who parades around the locker room completely buck a** naked. this is also the dude who should not be naked even in the dark.
19. the dude who sings at the top of his lungs and sometimes dances in between sets while listening to his discman, walkman or ipod.
20. the dude who you've seen out in the clubs, yes those types of clubs, and will now not give you the time of day.
21. the dude who is obviuosly gay (you've seen him at those types of clubs) and works out with the obviously hetero trainer when the trainer does his own working out.
22. the dude who insists on taking the precore machine directly in front of you, blocking your view of the tv when all the other machines are open as well.

and now the be-otches.

1. the beotch who thinks that she is too pretty to work out and is afraid of breaking a sweat for fear of ruining her make-up.
2. the beotch who has no regard for others personal space and will block the view of yourself in the mirror while adjusting her i-pod.
3. the beotch who talks on her cell phone the minute she steps foot on the precore machine until the minute she steps off. nothing sexier than carrying on a conversation with a beotch that can't breathe.
4. the beotch who flirts with and distracts the guy who is on the machine that you are waiting for.
5. the beotch who asks if she can work in with you on a machine, assuming that you'll say yes simply because she is a girl.
6. the beotch who thinks she can jump ahead of you onto a machine simply because she is a girl. i'm gay beotch.
7.the beotch who feels the need to speak at the top of her lungs letting everyone in the gym know how drunk she got the night before and who she woke up with that morning.
8. the beotch who works out with the really buff guys and thinks she's buff because she's with them.
9. the beotch who acts really nice to any guy who walks by but shuns any other female.
10. the beotch who thinks her lack of exercise knowledge and motivation is really cute and amusing.
11. the beotch who complains every second she works out with the personal trainer she has hired.

final observation. there are more dumb dudes in the gyms trying to impress the beotches. the beotches have some dignity and remember why they are there. thank you to them.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The Queen of Nothing

everyone has someone that just gets under his or her skin. some people have fewer and some people have many. for me, i have two people in particular that rub me the wrong way. the first one would be that actress who was in 'four weddings and a funeral.' i can honestly say that i do not know why she bothers me. it's just something about her. it's kinda like how when a little bit of something gets under your fingernail or just scratches the surface of your skin but doesn't stay. you know that nothing is there, but still rub the area because it bothers you. also kinda like the first time you get crabs and get it cured. from there on out, everyone makes you itch. even when you haven't been with anyone. anyway, i digress.

the other person that just gets me is the supposed 'queen of nice.' she has bothered me for some time now. and just when you think she has disappeared and sunk back down from the spotlight, she resurfaces running her mouth acting all tight and tough, playing into the stereotypical role of not only a gay person, but also as a new yorker.

i remember as a kid watching cable television and particularly enjoying comedy routines. catching her routine was always a special treat for me. i understood everything she was talking about and that all of the dialogue was clean. i have to admit that is a trait not very many comics have, often resorting to foul language to get laughs. but, again, i digress.

i'll never forget the night i was supposed to see her appear in a b'way show. my excitement of the entire day was quickly dissolved when i learned her understudy would be going on that evening. the replacement was wonderful and turned out to be the emmy-award winning actress from some show called 'will & grace.' anyway, i wrote my favorite star a letter simply expressing my disappointment in missing her performance and wished her luck for the remainder of her run. a few weeks later, a large envelope arrived at my door containing a letter from my favorite star. as i read from top to bottom, it got worse. i was reminded that i could have turned in my tickets for another evening and that all humans get sick. not only did this be-otch tell me things i already knew, she had the nerve to write it all on personalized stationary. that was it for me. she was written off.

she soon obtained her own talk show. never watching a single episode, i heard that it was quiet enjoyable. she won a few awards, donated some money to a few charities and won over the people of america while hiding a huge secret...she's a be-otch. and i had the letter to prove it. i know a few people in the b'way community who confirmed my suspicions about her, both personally and professionally. she and her show went away for a time and then her personal life surfaced. here we go again. and then there was the magazine. and then you had to return to broadway and f*ck that up too. and ya did.

and just when things got quiet, 20/20 interviewed her a few weeks ago. there she was coming through on my tv talking about her life, being gay, her family and how she will continue to fight for equality. i will say that i give her tons of credit for taking a stand in believing what's right. she has done tons for children who are underprivelaged. however, my peeps have been fighting for quiet some time. long before she came along. and we will continue to fight for equality. we were doing just fine before she came along with her attitude and fakeness, only adding to the negative perception people have toward us.

again, props to her for standing up and voicing her opinions. for using her celebrity status to get heard. we should all be so lucky. but i ask, is it all worth it when the real person you are is misleading to everyone, including the people you are trying to help?

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

I'm in Love

for some reason last night a little voice in the back of my head was telling me to watch the final two episodes of 'sex and the city.' since i have every single episode on dvd, this was not a hard thing to do. the final two episodes of this show not only examine the romantic relationships each of the characters have but also the relationship that the women have with each other. to me, it felt like an appropriate thing to do. for some reason i have been examining and thinking about all of the relationships and friendships that i have had and continue to have in my life. six extra hours stuck in an airport while trying to get across the country and not being able to sleep at night because of an awful headcold will do that to a person.

i think that over time, and maybe because i am supposed to be getting smarter and wiser, i have come to a conclusion. the conclusion that i have come to is that people come into and step out of a person's life for a reason. every person who we interact with, whether it be for the long or short term, good or bad, has a purpose. the only thing we must keep in mind is that the purpose is not always clear right off the bat. with a little bit of patience and timing, the purpose of every relationship and interaction is revealed.

i am an only child (please keep all only children comments to yourself) and my friends mean the world to me. i feel that i am fortunate enough to say that i have a solid core group of friends who i would do anything for. these are the people who i would literally drop whatever it is i am doing and be by their side in a matter of seconds. and being in a completely different state in the middle of nowhere does not make this an easy task. but, i'd do it. i think that it is truly amazing that something so simple as a lyric in a song, a line in a movie or the scent of someone's cologne or perfume can trigger a memory of someone and transport the person recalling it right back to that moment in time.

for me, janet jackson singing about her 'escapade' transports me back to the house of my friend's grandmother. we looked at each other and wished we could just escape from all of our 7th grade problems. book reports, pop quizzes, being popular. those were the real struggles then. what i wouldn't give to switch those with some of the things i have experienced as an adult. 'hungry like the wolf' takes me back to my sophomore year in college which was my first summer away from home and my first apartment in a big city. my friend lived across the street. trouble was to be found at all hours of the day and we were capable of finding it.

true friends are the people who know you inside and out. or i should say, are the people that you have allowed to get to know you inside and out. true friends are the people who can tell something is wrong within the first 2 seconds of looking at your face. true friends are the people you share practically every emotion with. laughter, tears, anger, fear. and sometimes even sex. true friends are the people you can sit with and be with in their presence, not say a word the entire time and have one of the best conversations of your life. true friends are the people who have seen you at your best and are still around after seeing you at your worst. true friends are the people you can walk up 5th avenue with while discussing your most erotic sexual pleasures (you know who you are and you know mine). true friends are the people who you want to call the minute something great happens and they are the ones who you want to call first when something bad happens.

i have lived in a few major cities this country has to offer while making my way through life's journey. each time, i formed relationships that i enjoyed while i was there and took with me when i left. it is those relationships and memories that i held close when venturing out into the unknown to start all over. many of the closest people in my life have come within the past decade. they are the relationships i have formed when i considered to be completely on my own. many of them were formed in college when we were eighteen and thought we knew it all. but, ten years later, they are the relationships which have remained the strongest. it has been one of my greatest pleasures growing into adulthood with these people. and then there are the relationships i have formed in my adult life. another great pleasure has been learning form these people and applying their knowledge to aspects of my own life.

much of what i have expressed sounds like what one would say when describing an intimate partner. trust, emotions, laughter, tears, memories, companionship. all things one looks for when looking for a partner, an equal. i love the idea that i can call any one of these people and know that they'd be there. people who have praised me and patted me on the back for my accomplishments and caught me when i have fallen.

i've never stopped to realize that for all the times i have tried to push an intimate love out of my life, it was already there. guess you could say i have always been in love...with my true friends.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Morning Coffee with a Side of Tit

those who know me, know that i love coffee. it is something in life that i simply cannot live without. if possible, i'd have my med-school friend permanently install an i.v. into my arm. and i hate needles, but somehow it seems worth it.

those who know me also know not to speak to me or try to involve me in some sort of deep conversation until at least my second cup of the day has kicked in and the caffine is pulsing through my veins. it is like my oxygen. for me, there is no greater pleasure in life (well, i can think of at least one other) then when that first drop of hot, steaming caffine hits my lips, enters into my mouth and travels down the back of my throat. getting that first sniff as the coffee bag opens and the aroma from the beans makes its way out. seeing the beans grind into what will soon be my own little cup of heaven. 8 cups of heaven to be exact. the smell of the coffee brewing or the sound of beans grinding have woken me out of a deep, deep sleep before. it becomes a situation of an animal stalking its prey of the day. even if the coffee is not for me, my caffine radar gets sent into overdrive.

the one thing i love more than coffee itself is that first cup of the day. waking up, that crusty stuff still in the corners of my eyes. all worth it once i pour that first cup. and the quiet that accompanies it is worth it. stumbling around with my favorite mug in hand, steam rising from the top. doesn't get much better. financial, social and work stresses are all gone until the last drop empties out of the cup.

last week, i was in portland, oregon for the week on business. portland...the home of independent coffee shops on every corner. a small part of me felt that i had died and gone to heaven. on friday, i had some time to myself before my day began. so, i figured i'd venture out and do some more exploring. it was still early, so i figured now was as good a time as any to get my morning coffee. thought i'd sample one of the numberous independent shops and stir clear of the evil corporate starbucks. i figured, you know, when in portland.

i decided on one, because of the highly overdone italian theme. went in, got a little something berry-ish to eat and was handed my soup bowl of coffee. spotted a little table off in the corner and made my way over. thought it couldn't get any better...rain falling outside (this was portland after all), by myself, all is quiet. sweet. until they approached.

a woman asked if she minded that she and her infant sit at the available table next to me. not liking children at all, i said it'd be fine. the child was sound asleep and looked like he or she would be for quite a while. hell, i'd curl up and go back to sleep if there was enough room under the table. the woman sat down next to me. not a big deal yet.

i was half way through my berry-ish pastry and only about 2 sips into my coffee when the woman woke her child. 'no!!! what are you doing?' is what screamed through my head. waking it up gives it the possability of becoming loud and noisy. almost makes it human. take a long, third sip and all will be ok. or so i thought. my third sip was not even to the back of my throat when the woman's breast came out and the baby was hooked on like one of those suction cups with garfield on at the other end, hanging in a car window. 'oh my god!!!' what are you doing?'

i don't know how things work on the west coast, but come on. i am barely three sips into my coffee. and since when is public feedings of toddlers allowed in places that serve food? or my morning coffee for that matter? i know that i could have simply brewed a pot in the privacy of my own room, but i thought i'd help support the oregon economy. see the sights and report back to anyone interested in visiting. boy, did i see the sights. more portland sights than i had expected. drape a blanket over it for pete's sake. i understand that things work differently out on the west coast, the way of life is a lot more laid back and go with the flow. i'm sorry, but i could not go with this flow. maybe if i had gotten that third sip in first, things would have been different.

i am happy to report, that there have been 3 first cups of morning coffee since the reported incident and no awful side affects or flashbacks.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

A Day of Travel and Getting Nowhere

when i started this blog, i vowed never talk about work. this story is more about what happened to me the other day while traveling for work. so, it really isn't about work since i wasn't in the office. and when telling my friend the story as it was happening, she said that only things happen like this to me. if it were to go smoothly, it wouldn't be me.

i was up monday morning at 3:30 because i was paranoid about missing my 6:15 flight. i quick showered, threw on some clothes and headed out the door. except for the birds, all is generally quiet at 4:30 in the morning. the highway is usually dead where i live anyway, but at 4:30 in the morning, you really notice that.

i arrived at the airport, met my co-workers who were traveling with me and we boarded the plane. now, keep in mind, i do not like flying at all. in my opinion, flying is not natural. it does not seem natural to me to have tons of steel, carrying up to 200 people, 30,000 feet in the air. if it were natural, you wouldn't need more than 2 engines to do it. anyway, the first plane was very small...3 seats across total and 18 rows back. the whole plane was pretty much first class and only had one flight attendant. our first destination was to houston, in order to catch a connection to portland.

along the way, the pilot said that there were storms in houston and it would be a bumpy ride. noticing we should have landed by now and we are still thousands of feet off the ground, we were told we'd need to circle the airport. the airport in houston closed due to storms and tornados and we were diverted to an airfield out in college station, texas. wherever the hell that is. after being stuck in the middle of nowhere (literally) we reboarded the plane and completed the 30 miles that were left to the first leg of our trip.

once in houston, all of the connections were gone. people were pissed and airport employees were doing their best to get everyone out of their face. scheduled on another flight that was not set to leave for another 7 hours, i found myself in my own personal hell...stuck in george bush international airport. need i say more?

after 2 hours of line hopping and being transferred from airport employee to airport employee, i finally got my new boarding pass. and now i have to go through security for the third time. i was one of the lucky ones who was 'randomly' selected to be searched inside and out. pulled aside and in full view of everyone, my search began. asked to stand and pose like a scarecrow, the wand began to move across my body. now, keep in mind, at this point, i had been up and awake for almost 12 full hours. and i am hungry. tired and hungry are not a good combination for me. the wand crossed my waistband and i soon found the security guard's hands within the waistband of my jeans. wow, i thought. being felt up and i didn't even have to buy this guy a drink. essentially, i am being felt up for free. wondering why i am still beeping and he is not feeling anything, other than the obvious, he had a perplexed look on his face. before i knew it, the words 'they are button-fly jeans a**hole' flew out of my mouth. finally, i passed the check and moved to gate. where we found that our already delayed flight was delayed...again. more time in george bush international. he's able to fcuk you no matter what.

to the bar for bar food and alcohol i go. and 6 different baseball games. eventually, i made it to my final destination and began working, doing everything that i missed during the day. up for 24 hours, i finally got to hit the sheets. and wouldn't you know it? i was wide awake. in a king size bed and all alone. the story of my life.

can't wait to see what lies ahead for me on my journey home.

Friday, April 08, 2005

The Shot Not Heard Round the World

today marks the 2-year anniversary of an incident which changed my life forever. it is a strange thing because no matter how hard a person tries to forget something or someone, the brain won't let us do that. it is an internal filing cabinet which releases bits of information when it feels appropriate. so, the anticipation of nothing but a day has been building all week.

two years ago today i was still on my high from completing grad school two weeks earlier. a trip to san francisco was planned in order to pound the pavement and seek employment to put all that i learned in grad school to good use. however, until i was ready to land the job of my dreams, i was still waiting tables in order to continue the flow of food from the grocery store shelf to the pit of my stomach.

it was a slow tuesday night shift and i was given the opportunity to be cut at an early hour. but, having still felt guilty from spending too much money partying at graduation, i told my manager that i would stay until close and pick up as many tables as possible. i can still see the faces of my last customers. little did i know they would be the last of my waitering career. after being left a tip that was in no way worth staying on for the evening, i did my close out duties and headed out the door.

i began walking to my car which was parked a few blocks away from the restaurant. employees were in no way, shape or form allowed to park on the premises. it was bad enough having my face seen as an employee there, but to put my personal possessions on the property definately would have made me feel like they owned some part of my life. i began talking on my cell phone, returning a call that i missed while on my shift. i continued my walk down the tree-lined, residential street where kids play in the front yard and dogs chase passer-bys. somehow, even with one ear occupied with my friend's voice chattting away, i heard a branch break behind me and the sound of movement heading toward me. i turned around to see 3 guys running in the middle of the street headed towards me. 'how weird' i thought for people to be out this late for an evening jog. a street light hit the silouette of a gun and i soon realized that these 3 guys were not out for a night run. everything that followed probably only lasted a total of two minutes, but playing out in slow motion, felt like an eternity.

they surrounded me, forming a circle and proving to me they had done this before. slowly my possessions were removed from my hands, pockets and backpack. i was left with nothing. keys, wallet, phone, anything that could have helped me not remain stranded was now gone. i was told, gun to my head, to turn around and get down. i remained relatively calm thinking and accepting the fact that my time was up. three people (who still don't know this) flashed before my eyes and i set to embrace whatever lie ahead of me. i was pushed to the ground and told to count to 100 as they fled, promising to return if they saw me move. after hitting the number ten, i picked myself up and went back to my place of employment to phone the police. inside the restaurant i stood soaking wet and covered in mud (it had been raining all day) trying to process what just happened. needless to say, the guys were never caught and the police were of little help. big surprise.

a friend came to pick me up and i sat up until 3 in the morning having to relate my story to customer service representatives of various credit card and bank companies. the harder phone calls to make were the ones to my parents and friends the next day. i can still remember my parent's voices trying no to crack as they responded to what i was telling them. friends called me to say they had just managed to stop crying or stop throwing up when the reality of losing me passed over them. this was all something i was not used to at all. all of a sudden, the attention and priority i usually gave to my friends and family and their problems was now shifted to me. and i somehow felt that it was my fault that i was causing them such heartbreak and pain. and that upset me more than anything.

weeks passed and i moved back to my home state and went to live with my dad. slowly, but surely, i feel into a state of depression. replaying the assault over and over in my mind with alternate endings was a daily ritual. being angry at the world and asking why i had to be the one, out of all the people in the world, had to experience this. this would be something i would have to live with for the rest of my life, stored away in the crevases of my brain. i had been stripped of everything on that residential street, including my dignity. feelings of anger toward my attackers for not being men and finishing the job ran through my head as well. i often thought that not being here at all would have been easier than experiencing the pain, hurt and anger i was feeling. i eventually isolated myself and my depression got so bad that i would go for days without speaking or getting out of bed. i also pushed as many people as i could out of my life because it was easier to go through this alone and not have my pain rub off on others. it was easier for me push away their support and not witness what i felt was their pain and pity for me.

one sunday morning, tired of walking on eggshells in his own home, my father said he had enough and that i needed to seek professional help. still having not let a single tear be shed, i found myself forced into therapy. while there, not only did i work through my assault, but i worked through the way i was living my life and the relationships that consumed it.

and let me just say, a person's outlook on life changes once something like this happens. never would i have completed grad school had this assault happened before graduation. the countless hours in front of the computer and stress to complete projects all didn't seem to matter now. relationships, people and a sunny, warm, spring day all take on new meaning. the daily, uncontrollable stresses of life get moved to the back burner once you realize life is too short and is really worth living. you begin to take deeper notice of those around you and question how inhuman humans are to one another. you try to live life the best way you know how with as little drama as possible. and why? because it is wasted energy which could be put to better use in other places.

i have become very spiritual these past two years. not religious, spiritual. i realize everything has a purpose and reason for happening. although it may not be clear right away, eventually in time the answer appears before you. i have learned to appreciate who an what i have in my life. and i now realize that it could all be taken away, or i can be taken away, in the matter of a second. you learn to appreciate the people who matter to you even more. you also become more aware of your surroundings wherever you are.

i've been told i have come a long way these past two years. there has been a lot of progress and movement. the assault is thought of less and less (except on the anniversary of course) and the anger that accompanies an incident like this is felt less and less. awareness of my surroundings has stayed, which is a good thing. but being able to talk about this and face it head on, for the entire world to read or hear, is the best progression possible. i proved my mother wrong when she used to say, 'you're mouth is going to get you killed one day.' even in a traumatic incident such as this, i get a little satisfaction in proving a parent wrong for once.

it bothers me when i hear people say, 'yeah, my life sucks.' i often say to myself 'do you have a place to sleep at night? do you have food to eat? clothes to wear? a steady income? how about trading places with me back on the night of april 8th, 2003?' there are so many people out there walking around with much more serious problems and internal feelings other than having a bad date or a crappy job. you or i could not be here right now. i have a place to sleep at night, food to eat, clothes to wear and barely enough money to survive. life may not be going the way i want it to. but after realizing there was the possability of me not being here on this day, two years later (and having one of my greatest fears come true which is having something happen to me and leave my parents with no child), no, my life does not suck.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Just Me

something happened last night which gave me inspiration for today's post. i got home around my usual time last night which falls somewhere between 8 and 9 pm. i made myself some dinner and plopped on the couch with my feet up and the tv on. i noticed that on one of the 800 channels i get that one of my favorite movies, 'under the tuscan sun,' was on. i immediately left the rerun of 'sex and the city' that i had seen 600 times before and began watching francis mayis take control of her life in a foreign country.

see, i am all a sucker for movies in which the main character takes control of his or her life and goes after what they want. for those who don't know 'under the tuscan sun' is the true story of francis mayis. she is a writer from san francisco who goes on a trip to italy after finding out that her piece of sh*t husband is cheating on her. she gives him everything in the divorce settlement and is left with little. while in italy she spontaneously purchases a house knowing no one, unable to speak the language and does not return to her former life. the movie follows her as she learns how to rebuild the inside of her house, make italian friends, cook italian food and even sleep with hot italian men who turn out to be just like every other piece of sh*t man walking the planet. but she got her groove on with the ultra fine marcello who says to her, 'i am going to make love all over you.' so captivated by him, i mean this, i screamed out 'okay' upon seeing this movie for the first time in the theatre...with my mother sitting right beside me. but i disgress. all-in-all, she takes control of her life while taking chances and recovers from the most devastating blow of all...having a man break her heart.

another great example of taking life by the balls and going after what you want would be that little english film 'billy elliott.' now here's a movie in which a little boy doesn't want to box, but would rather lace up his slippers and dance around the stage wearing tights. he didn't care if people were afraid he'd grow up suckin' d*ck, all he knew was that he wanted to dance. as if the desire to wear tight clothes showing off a chiseled body and man package weren't enough to get the rumors started. mmmhhhmmmm. sounds like an average night at (fill in the name of your local gay bar here). he didn't care, he just wanted to dance. you go billy!

and then there is the female version of this movie...'bend it like becham.' here, the tables are turned and we have a british girl of indian descent wanting to turn in her dresses for socceer cleats, elbow pads and a sports bra. defying her family, their traditions and what the local neighborhood boys may think, she goes ahead and plays socceer. she didn't care what people thought or said. all she knew was that she wanted to was pull her hair back into a ponytail and rough up some boys while running up and down a field. sounds like an average night at (fill in the name of your local lesbian bar here). i say rock on becham girl!

what is my point in all of this you may be asking. it is short. it is sweet. it is simple. there is nothing wrong with being an individual. there is nothing wrong with having dreams. and there is nothing wrong with going out and making your dreams come true. and it is possible to do it on your own. you don't need anyone.

don't let anyone tell you differently. not for nothin'. there is nothing wrong with being an individual and doing things by yourself. i go to movies, plays, coffeehouses, shopping and even to the gym alone. my grandmother once asked me, 'don't you feel embarrassed going to a play alone?' fcuk no. i wouldn't talk to them during the performance so who gives a sh*t. going alone guarantees me that no one will bother me before and after the performance either. there is nothing worse than going to see a play or movie and having your friend do a play by play of what is taking place on stage or screen.

be an individual and be proud. go after your dreams and let no one tell you they are out of reach. people who say that are just too afraid to go after the dreams they have for themselves. so, leqave your computer and go buy a house, take balle lessons or kick the socceer ball around.

remember, individuality and confidence are extremely sexy.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Samantha Straight Up with a Shot of Miranda, Carrie on the side. Hold the Charlotte.

many of my friends are currently having relationship issues. drama with their current partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, fcuk buddy, ex-partner, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, ex-spouse, ex-fcuk buddy, etc. drama hitting people from all ends. some even losing sleep over it. it seems that no matter what is going on with anyone, this is the one area where there is always something happening. it is also an area of life that i never quiet understood, for myself or for others. and i will be the first to admit that this is the one area of my life that i have never been good at or has come easy.

back in college, i was definately a charlotte. i wanted the fairy-tale romance and walked around with my head in the clouds thinking that every person i met was great and that they were 'the one' and that this would be the end of my dating life. i did my fair share of what could be called as 'hooking up' back in college. but i always made a sharp stop as i rounded third with home plate in sight. for all the 'hooking up' and 'teasing' i did back then, i still held out for the fairy-tale. i was content walking through clubs and bars with mary j. blige's 'real love' streaming through my head.

as i got older, always the 'single one' no matter what group of friends i was with, the dating continued. post-college saw me mixing it up, having a good time. i delved deeper and my inner samantha began to shine through with a side of miranda. 'going out and meeting new people with a samantha attitude and actions with mirnada creeping through the next morning after the previous night's conquest got dressed and quietly exitted once i began brewing my first cup of coffee for the day' would be the best way to describe it.

eventually three different people, from different walks of life were able to hold me over and make me content in a carrie sort of way for a little while. dating the out-of-work b'way actor was fun. especially when he became completely dependent on me for everything while he sat home watching "passions" as opposed to attending call backs. and you'd think i would get to see a slew of b'way shows when dating someone in the business. we the expense of my credit card. there was the slightly younger (by 3 years) guy who i dated while waiting tables and bartending trying to put myself through grad school. his jealousy and giving me crabs should have tole me that he was cheating on me. and he had the nerve to have his fling come with him to help move his crap out of my apartment. i round out this group of losers with the guy who was after me for over a year. finally landed me and freaked out 2 months into our dating. he completely disappeared for a weekend. yup, i have the ability to make people flee from cities if i try hard enough. the best part about him was his regret and plee to have me back, which was as recent as 2 months ago. word of advice...NEVER sleep with an ex after it's over. some of them replicate flies to a fresh new piece of sh*t.

after making it through the relationship forrest, i shelved my inner carrie and went back to inner samantha. carrie reared her ugly head and after almost 2 years of embracing my inner samantha, a friend of 2+ years swooped in and completely stole my heart. i actually thought i had cracked the secret code to a friend. how could i have been so stupid all these years?! little did i know that 7 months later as easily as he won it, he was able to shatter it into a milion tiny pieces with one sentence that allowed my inner samantha to resurface for a long time to come. that one sentence was, 'the only reason i said i love you back is because you know i am a people pleaser.' yup. take a moment to re-read that if need be. from that day on, october 13th to be exact, i have vowed that no one will ever make me feel that way again.

i listen to my friends talk about their relationships, both good and bad, and i ask myself the question 'why?' why do people expose themselves so much and allow their heart to be crushed over and over? how can you find the strength to get back up, and let it happen again? why would you want to self-induce that kind of hurt, betrayal and pain? let's face facts. i have never had a good example of a relationship that has stood the test of time. my parents were divorced by the time i was six, my grandparents have been married for 54 years, but cannot stand one another and i have friends my age who have been married and divorced.

i must say you are all a better group of people than i am. more power to you. i recently, as recent as this weekend, cut two guys out of the picture. one who was moving way too fast and one who couldn't even understand the meaning of a booty call. he's 32 and single and let me say, i am not surprised.

my point is that life is too short. people come and people go. their purpose may not be clear right away but time will tell. have fun, meet people, get your groove on, embrace your inner samantha and shelve charlotte.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Introduction Into My World.

so i decided to jump on the blog bandwagon and get one. apparently, i have been told that they are a good way for people to be kept up-to-date with what is going on in your life. and since i have the lowest calling plan on my cell which includes the fewest minutes, here's a way for everyone to know what the latest is without me having to call or repeat stories over and over. and over.

a few friends of mine have said, on numerous accounts, that i should start one because i have interesting stories. but more-so, an interesting way of telling them. whatever that means. hopefully, all of that will translate and come through on computer screens around the country and possibly around the world.

the explanation for the title of this blog is such. one of my best friends, who i met in college, said that whenever i go into one of my julia sugarbaker rants when the words 'not for nothin'' come out of my mouth that my next statement is going to be good. so, pretty much pretend like you are listening to me and when you hear those 3 little words, perk up and pay attention because the summary of everything i said will now be boiled down to a sentence of two.

WHAT THIS BLOG WILL NOT DO. i will NOT use anyone's name directly. however, those who i am speaking about will know who they are. i will NOT make any references to my job, my career or my co-workers. and finally, i will NOT threaten anyone physically, mentally, or emotionally on this blog.

this blog will feature my opinions, feelings and thoughts that have taken place or are currently taking place in my life. as a youngster, my grandmother had a significant role in raising me and influencing the person i am today. she taught me to always make sure that i stand by my opinions and that my voice be heard. all of that is key, while maintaining a sense of compassion and respect.

so, hopefully, with respect, my daily adventures will shine through and live up to everyone's expectations.

Monday, April 04, 2005

coming soon...