Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Oh Shit!!!

this post was inspired from my minnesota friend upon sharing the details.

so, for the past 2 months i have had some digestive issues. things have not been regular for me. not normal. a.k.a. shitting my brains out. before i got called to go to portland 2 months ago, i felt a chest cold coming on. so, being the hypocondriac i am, i went to the doctor and asked for some drugs. after an examination and reminding him of the drugs i am allergic to, he put me on a 3 day z-pack. i read the instructions and saw that 4-5% of people get the shits as a side effect. i was told to stop the medication immediately if any of the side effects happened.

well, low and behold, i fall into that 4-5%. almost exactly 4 hours to the minute of popping that hot pink pill, i found myself in the restroom amazed at what was coming out, or should i say flowing out, of my body. being the stubborn motherfcuker i am, i continued the medication because i could not afford getting sick while out on location. make a long story short, i ended up getting sicker while on location thanks to the portland weather.

after returning home, my digestive problems kept plaguing me. my dad kept telling me to 'give it time. let the drugs work their way out of your system.' and oh, 'try some acidopholis.' well, after a 60 pill bottle of acid-whatever, still no improvement. i tried not drinking alcohol. didn't help. tried watching what i ate. didn't help. after 2 months of making sure i knew where every bathroom was every time i went out of the house, i said enough is enough and went back to the doctor.

i was fortunate enough to get an early appointment before having to come into work. so, there i was in the dr's office figuring out exactly how i could explain why i am back for the 3rd time within 2 months. the nurse came in and did all of the normal stuff...weigh me, take my blood pressure, make me feel as comfortable as you can get in a doctor's office. my doctor entered and i explained why i was back. i stripped down (upon his request) and got on the examining table. he felt around...stomach is a little tender. but nothing to freak about. asked me to stand in front of him, which i did. yanked down my undies and the exam continued. this is where i'd wish that the story turned into an interesting porno storyline, but it doesn't. my dr. asked me to turn around and bend over. my response was 'excuse me.' and before i knew it, i was turned around, my face was shoved down on the table and i heard the slap of the latex glove. begin porno music here. not really. tell me more, tell me more. my dr's fingers, not one but two, were now shoved up my ass. and did i mention that the blinds which faced oncoming traffic on the street were wide open? granted his office is 7 floors up, but still!!! 'wow. i'm the top. i'm the top' raced through my mind as my prostate was getting massaged. thank whomever that my dr. is not hot by any means and an errection did not follow. blood was taken, viles were given to me to return 'samples' and i packed up what was left of my dignity as i left. i also left with a nice clump of lube up my ass as i made my way into work. i ran for the restroom and saw that the lube the dr. left behind not only made its way through my calvins, but onto the inside of my jeans. fortunately, that is where it stopped.

can't get worse you ask? fast-forward to the next morning when i know i must try and successfully complete my samples. the holiday weekend is approaching and any samples made after the weekend would be liquor filled. i psychologically constipated myself. the minute i got to work, i had to go. well, i jumped back into my car, raced like a bat out of hell and was determined to complete my samples.

now, for those of you who actually read this and know me, picture this. me, wearing nothing but a shirt and socks squatting over a plastic bag giving my samples. now, i have seen and heard a lot of disgusting things. i have even rolled over in my own puke back in college. but this moment in time, was by far, the most disgusting thing i have ever had to do. thank god i read the directions that were provided and didn't try and just 'hit the target.' success. 3 samples that went into my drawer and hidden until turned in the next day and 1 sample wrapped in several plastic bags and shoved to the back of the freezer. this is when having roommates can work against ya. into the lab on friday. i will now think of the people who must run tests on these samples every time i think my job sucks.

as of now, happy to say that all of my bloodwork returned normal. because of the holiday, still waiting on the samples. and still having to know where the bathroom is. good times.


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