Thursday, July 28, 2005

All Tied Up in a Pretty Red Bow

well, (un)fortunately, tonight is the airing of the last episode of 'bbb' that i know of. i say fortunate, because in all honesty, it is sad that i actually take time out of my thursday evenings to sit and watch the craziness that is in fact mr. & mrs. b.b. and i say unfortunate because the craziness is so good that i was instantly sucked in and may go withdrawal until it comes out on dvd.

i have caught some of the reruns the past week and some questions have entered my mind.

#1. i wonder, once again, if the mr. & mrs. take part in any of the final edit process. cause i know that i wouldn't want half of what is seen out there in millions of american homes once a week. we all know that there are some issues, hello 'primetime-crack-is-whack-interview' but the aired footage takes it to the next level and then some.

#2. why is the mrs' eyes ALWAYS at half-mass? is that a result of the current subtances which flow through her veins? a result of the substance which ran through her veins once upon a time? a way to only see half of the mr. and rationalize that your life is only half bad?

#3. where the fcuk are you getting all of this $ to blow? or, where the fcuk are you getting all of this $ for the mr. to blow? one of you has a career which died well over a decade ago. as a nephew pointed out ever so brilliantly, 'you used to be famous but you're a nobody now.' and the other one of you hasn't had a successful album this decade. can i come take a pick off your $tree???

#4. when are you going to pull the plate of fries away from the kiddie and get her on a treadmill or better yet, to a therapist?

#5. do you honestly think that it is socially acceptable to act the way you both sometimes act while out in public? or in private with professionals trying to add to your day?

#6. i'll be in the a.t.l. come labor day. can i be a part of the craziness? you entertain me to no end. i lived there for 3 years and never had the pleasure of running into you. i'm on a mission now.

#7. when is the dvd coming out?

i'll sign off by saying, 'please don't disappoint me this evening.' and for those of you who may try to get a hold of me tonight, don't. i'm busy.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

I'm Not in Kansas Anymore.

what can i say? i'm a big-city boy. a new-york-city-boy to be exact.

i have lived in several cities up and down the east coast, but have somehow always ended up back in my hometown. nyc always seemed to be the place i went back to after 3 to 4 years in another city. that was, until recently. i moved from a cosmopolitan, southern city to a 'big, small-midwestern town' a little over a year ago. there was no diversion to my hometown in between my moves. so, technically, i have not been a resident of my hometown for more than a year and a half now. and i have not been back to my original stomping grounds for almost 8 months now with no hope of returning for another 4.

i don't know if it is the recent heat wave which passed through these parts, the latest religious group preaching that all homosexuals are going to burn in hell (where the party will probably be better anyway) or the fact that i have never felt like such a minority in every way, shape and form until now which has made me realize just how much i miss home. and want to go back.

i speak to my parents at least twice a week. my grandparents once a week. and my good friends every two to three days. i hear of all the exciting and brand new things that take place on a daily basis. the newest restaurant. the latest art exhibit. the big celebrity sighting. out dancing or drinking til 4 or 5 in the morning. how a movie which opened 4 months ago is still playing in some hole in the wall, back corner theatre. energy. excitement. people living. diversity. culture.

everything which is lacking from where i currently live. here the bars and clubs all close at 2. downtown becomes a ghost town by 5 in the afternoon. you can't walk more than 5 feet without stumbling across an abandoned building. people are scared and do not accept anyone different than they are. if you are not white, straight, religious, want kids, own a home and have not been exposed to a variety of people and different cultures, you don't stand a chance. all makes sense to me now why the republican party has such an easy time winning an election. preaching about religion and family values is the key when talking to more than 50% of the country who live that way. what is sad to me is that all of the people in these parts aspire to be just that. and that's it.

what i find extremely amusing are people who think they are an authority on everything known to man, but have not lived or traveled further than 25 miles from where they were born. these are usually the most closed-minded, bigoted, racist people i have ever encountered. and these parts got plenty of 'em.

now, don't get me wrong, there are a few exceptions to the rule. there are a few who have gotten out and seen what the world has to offer. but somehow, maybe for financial reasons, have all ended up back in these backward parts. for as much as some of these midwestern cities preach about bringing diversity in, it is extremely hard for anyone who is not from here, to fit in. which is why i often have a blank stare on my face when faced with answering the questions 'so, where did you go to high school?' and 'which church do you attend?' questions in which i know they would not like to hear the answers. 'well, i went to an all boys catholic high school in which several football players were caught blowing one another and one of the brothers didn't return once his videotape of all of us changing in the locker room after gym class surfaced. and oh, i don't go to church because according to many, i am going to burn in hell.'

so, if it were up to me and i had my way, i'd be back in the original city of sin. the greatest place in the world, hands down. a city so great that countless movies and television shows use it for their backdrop. a city which accepts everyone, no matter color, religious beliefs, age or sexuality. the city in which i am more than proud to call my home.

i'll make it back. maybe not next week, but rest assured, i'm coming home.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Inconsiderate Mo-Fos

i found that i have a very short fuse today. i have attributed it to the fact that it is 97 degrees outside with a heat index making it 102. it is that reason and the fact that there are inconsiderate people everywhere i go which have put me in a very short, crabby mood. and i cannot forget the inconsiderate-barbie-wanna-be-driving-a-toyota-beotch who sparked this post instead of the one i was originally going to do. maybe tomorrow.

back to the inconsiderate-barbie-wanna-be-driving-a-toyota-beotch. so, i stopped by my apartment at lunch to drop something off. this is one of the perks of only living 7 minutes away by car from your place of employment. especially when you have overslept and have a 9 am meeting. anyway, back to the inconsiderate-barbie-wanna-be-driving-a-toyota-beotch. i was pulling out of my parking space which is in a lot behind my apartment building. now, you must visualize this. to get in and out of the lot, you must drive through a one-car-at-a-time alleyway. as i was trying to leave the inconsiderate-barbie-wanna-be-driving-a-toyota-beotch wanted to get into the lot and blocked my way out of the alleyway. so, i sat there and waited to see if she would have the consideration to back up or drive around. which, would allow me to get out and her get into the lot. instead, the inconsiderate-barbie-wanna-be-driving-a-toyota-beotch turned on her left-turn blinker as if i didn't know where she wanted to go. stupid inconsiderate-barbie-wanna-be-driving-a-toyota-beotch. don't inslut my intelligence. what do you expect me to do? hit the button in my car which projects my car up and over yours. so, i motioned the way in which i wanted to go and she motioned back that she wanted to get in. in from where i was trying to get out of. since the air conditioning hadn't completely kicked in on high yet, i aggressively told her to go around and move. after she did so i got a frustrated look in return from the inconsiderate-barbie-wanna-be-driving-a-toyota-beotch. so, i rolled down my window and yelled, 'see. now was that so hard? sorry to inconvenience you.' stupid inconsiderate-barbie-wanna-be-driving-a-toyota-beotch. now, if i were her and saw me coming, i would never have pulled my car up so close and put us in this situation.

so, i thought of some other examples in which people are inconsiderate. and how it gets under my skin. and here they are.

#1. people who talk loudly on their cell phones in public places such as coffee shops, stores, the movies, restaurants and especially the gym. i do not give a flying fcuk about what your day holds in store for you or how old the skank is who you banged the night before. the great thing about cell phones is that they generally work anywhere. so, walk your a** outside.

#2. people who interupt or cut people off when speaking. this sets me into defense mode real quick. i have gone so far as to get up and walk out of a room telling the person to let me know when they want to hear what it is that i have to say without interupting.

#3. people who take the last of something and do not replace it even though others may need or want it. i use the example of milk or self-serve coffee at a coffee shop. do not be pulling this sh*t with me before the first drop hasn't even hit my lips.

#4. people at the gym who stand directly in front of you, blocking the view of yourself in the mirror. maybe they feel that having someone directly behind them in their reflection is actually two people doing exercise and therefore, they have less to do.

#5. people who do not return phone calls or emails. if i ask a question inquiring about something, i expect an answer. what am i asupposed to do? guess?

#6. drivers who never let make someone make a turn. which, in turn, holds up all of the cars behind the person trying to turn.

#7. people who sit directly in front of you in a movie when you are the only other person in the theatre. and of course, they are 7 feet tall.

i am sure there are more, but i will be inconsiderate and not finish my list. :)

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Why Does A Dog Lick Itself?

because it can. and apparently, that is the answer often given as to why men are scum, why they are selfish, why they can be stupid and why they cheat.

the latest round of celebrity gossip is that this year's sexiest man alive cheated on his fiance and got caught. or i should say, got exposed. regardless of male or female, do celebrities honestly think that what they do and don't do will not get public acknowledgement? ms. whitney can't even go into a steamroom without some fan running after her. and that is just someone trying to relax or come down from their latest high. but sticking a part of yourself into a part of someone else is not going to remain under wraps for very long. that is, unless you are a certain closeted movie star who makes his beards sign mountains of paperwork not exposing him after the publicity stunt is over 9 years later. or when you were in 7 movies at once last christmas season.

let me start off by saying props to the nanny. i honestly think i need to change careers. if we look at nannies past, they always seem to be causing some sort of controversy and making headlines. he is hot. but, none-the-less a downright dirty dawg. and look at where its left his 20-something, naive, embarrassed fiance.

i am not one to judge. i have been on more than one side of this situation. i have never cheated on anyone i have been romantically involved with. let me clarify that. i have never cheated on anyone i had a spoken, understood commitment with. i have, however, been cheated on and been the 'other' person. neither are fun. i was cheated on back in college because i wouldn't sleep with the guy i was dating. truth of the matter is that his privates were so small, i probably would not have felt anything anyway. can we say scared turtle?!?! if only he could have seen me up until about a year ago or so. and i was the other person right after i graduated college. the story is cliche. older person. unhappy in his relationship. they hadn't had sex in years. blah, blah, blah. all that could be classified as is a time in which i ate pretty well, had some fun in the bedroom, lived out a little scandal, but always got disappointed at the very last minute and found myself alone. i chalk that up to the pre-25 years in which anything that happened during that time doesn't count.

humans are the only species that i know of who preach and practice monogomy. once decided, one mate for the rest of your life. and it seems to me, that couples are getting married younger and younger these days. so, why should it come as a surprise to anyone that people cheat? it's probably because they haven't lived life and experienced what it has to offer. they lock themselves into one person before meeting the person who will fcuk them in every position possible.

for me, that is no excuse. once you have committed to someone, they are it. i don't think that it is the act of cheating that is the worst. it is the act of making the other person look like a complete and total a**hole in trusting your dirty dawg a**. that is more devastating than having your heart broken into a million tiny little pieces.

cheating also boils down to maturity and respect. and i think that repect comes once maturity has developed. anyone who cheats is not mature enough to acknowledge that they have made a mistake and are not currently happy. apparently, sneaking around in secrecy is a happier place to be. and if someone is not mature enough to handle a full-fledged relationship, drop em. who needs them? they will eventually be left alone once the 'survival of the fittest' in the relationship department has weeded them out.

and those who stay with the cheaters and give them another chance. dumb a**. dumb a**. dumb a**. we all do things which we know are wrong. people still smoke cigarettes. drink and drive. have unprotected sex. and unfortunately, cheat. my advice. take the ring and cash it out. take being known as the person who got cheated on into being known as the person who cashed in and made bank.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Kids. The Latest Gay Accessory

i was going to give my opinion on the lastest episode of 'bbb.' because last weeks show unvailed the root of all craziness when it comes to the mr. & mrs. and at the root of it is papa b. the head of the family. the craziness just seemed to trickle out to generation after generation from there. i was told this weekend, by the other half, that watching me re-enact scenes from the episodes are half the fun of me watching. so, hopefully, with a frustrated-ex-crack-is-whack-diva celebrating mother's day with tons of screaming little humans running around on this coming weeks episode, it will not fail to provide me with material.

which leads me to the topic in which i have bigger fish to fry. children.

this weekend i had the (un)pleasure of spending an evening with several gay men and their children at a social, public event. i found myself sitting on a picnic blanket in the middle of a park, listening to a free concert, surrounded by people who i consider to be my equals and their tiny tykes. within the group i was a part of, there were 6 humans who do not qualify to obtain a driver's license just yet. or even a permit for that matter.

now, it is my opinion, and my opinion only, that when there is an event in which alcoholic beverages are being served, there is no room on the menu for milk bottles or juice boxes. when there is food being served which goes nicely with my bottle of '3 buck chuck,' there is no room in the cooler for goldfish and baby food. i am sorry. my hummus assortment and brie cheese needs to stay cold. it says so right on the package. i didn't invent the rules, but am sure to stick to them.

what can i say? i am just not the kind of gay who dreams of settling down with my partner in a ranch-style house and have every bedroom filled with little ones tucked beneath the sheets as visions of sugarplums dance in their head. any spare bedrooms i have are reserved for friends visiting from out of town or friends who had too much to drink and can't make their way home that night or morning.

i enjoy only having to worry about making my lunch for work in the morning. i have enough trouble deciding what i am going to wear that day and could not imagine what i would do or how much time it would take to pick out several other outfits. all of which, i wouldn't even be modeling. and the whole reason i no longer have roommates is because i grew tired of cleaning up after others and monitoring the way in which i enjoy living. if i want to walk around naked, so be it. i enjoy my life. i enjoy going out and staying out as late as i want. i enjoy picking up on a friday afternoon and taking off for the weekend on last minutes notice. i like not having to make dinner if i am not hungry. i like sleeping til 11 after a long night out. i like going shopping for things that i need and want. and i like saying fuck whenever the fuck i want.

seems to me that the latest craze to hit the community are kids. they are everywhere i look. the boyz on 'six feet under' have not one, but two possible adoptive children living with them. even the gayest show ever 'queer as folk' has gays and lesbians alike with multiple children. wtf? or should i ask 'wtf is wrong with me?' do i not possess some fatherly-my-life-is-not-complete-until-i-have-cleaned-up-puke-off-the-couch gene? have i not recently been bitten by the mosquito carrying this disease? and i use that last word strategically.

now, please. do not get me wrong. i hold the utmost respect for those who adopt children less fortunate and who need good homes. more power to you. you are all better people than i could ever be. with that being said...

what bothers me more than children themselves are the parents (particularly the gay ones) who think that after one conversation with me i will have instantly changed my mind and begin shopping at baby gap. do not judge me or say that you are concerned for me and the way i live. from the stories i have heard, 9 times out of 10, these people were there not too long before me. do not force your parenting-everyone-needs-to-try-this-bullshit on me. i don't eat red meat. would love to hear how many friends feel i have made that my personal pilgrimage to change those i know. and just the other day, i learned i am lactose intolerant. so, hold on to your hats my friends. i'll be sure to garnish all your dairy products with hot sauce in an effort to stop the dairy supply in this country.

so, again. props to all of you who chose to add to your household. i am happy by myself and with the many visits and overnight stays with the boyfriend. i don't complain when having to spend a few hours with those who can barely form sentences. i will however, go home and shower. to wash the slobber, food and child off me.

so i leave this topic in the most-gay-i-have-no-children way i know how. i will take a song from 'wicked' and change the title. i sign off by saying, 'i'm not that kinda gay.'

Thursday, July 14, 2005


last night, i had the pleasure of catching the rerunning of the last two 'being bobby brown' episodes. there was so much craziness that i forgot about which brought me so much joy the second time around. and all i could think as i sat there and watched two adults transcend into a morph of craziness is 'who the hell gives final approval as to what gets shown? are they not part of the edit process? is this really how they want all of america to view them and their lifestyle?'

what i am about to say, remember, is strictly my opinion, and my opinion only.

first of all, i think that when a person knows a camera is watching their every move, they act completely different. we have the traditional 'people begging for $ and being the do-gooder by giving it to them. that's a money shot. then, there is the appreciation of people who actually follow my sorry-tired-has-been-arse. trying to be funny is another one. and my last observation which falls into this catagory is why in the hell you'd want to show all of america how much you drink? and be proud of it?

secondly, as a whole, they are a pretty violent, disrespectful family. the chubby-soon-to-be-in-therapy-daughter hits daddy when he annoys her. if i even so much as raised my pinky finger to either of my parents, i'd have the wooden spoon shoved so far up my ass, i wouldn't know what hit me. the crack-is-whack-it's-love-when-my-husband-sticks-his-hand-up-my-ass-to-get-my-shit-out-wife shoves her fist in hubby's face whenever he acts like an a-hole. is it no wonder daddy is always in jail and was charged with beating his wife? isn't there a saying that goes something like 'you become a product of your environment?'

and am i the only one who thinks there is a problem with the fact that everytime daddy has to go to another hearing to determine whether or not he will be coming home that evening the child stays home from school? and that the parents, you know, the adults, find that funny and laugh about it? at the rate daddy is going, this child faces the possability of being left back.

my last question on this subject is 'where the fcuk are they getting all of this $$$ to blow on legal fees, shopping sprees and acting crazy? hubby's solo career ended mid-80s and the group he left is still going strong without him. and cracked out wifey hasn't scored a successful album since the late 90s. that could also be because she hasn't recorded since then. what with rehab, tv interviews and court dates getting in the way.

but, tonight is a new episode. new material to think about. and more reasons to realize my life ain't that crazy.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Awwww, Hell to the NO!

i am a bit behind on this topic. what can i say? life has been kinda busy the past week or so. and besides, i did not have the pleasure of catching up on this topic until this past weekend when i caught a mini-marathon of the previously aired shows. the topic of which i am referring to is the fact that bobby brown has his own reality television show.

now, i will admit that i have seen all 3 episodes to date. and why is that? 2 reasons. the first being that i enjoy seeing what a tragic mess his wife has become. and the second is, like a car wreck, i cannot stop looking away. this is often how it happens. tell me there is a marathon on in which i can catch up in one afternoon and i am hooked.

so, here are my thoughts for this show. in all honesty, i do not giving a flying fcuk what is or has become of mr. brown. i want to see how crazy he has made his wife. i sat my lazy ass on my couch and watched as this once-talented-seems-like-a-beautiful-person bitched and complained that she was recognized and almost criticized people (a.k.a her few remaining fans) for recognizing her and wanted to express some genuine interest in her existence. wake up honey. these are the people who have stood by you, watched as your hubby went to jail again. and again. and again. and again. and again. the same people who supported you as you entered rehab not once, but twice. guess the first time was just a trial run. the same people who watched as your husband beat you as you remained by his side. the same people who have seen you through all your craziness. let us not forget the ever-so-famous 'crack is wack' comment on primetime tv. the least you could do is be grateful that they are still sticking by and have not tossed you into the 'has-been' pile. just ask rosie what that feels like.

speaking only for myself...i saw you in concert years ago at radio city music hall. sitting in the fifth row and being able to smell the booze the few times you actually opened your mouth to sing was enough for me to abandon your following. fortunately for me, that was the beginning of your craziness. your daughter was a newborn, which you so elequently stumbled onstage with her to show those who remained to witness the beginning of the end. that was a definate forshadowing of the many therapy sessions that lay in her future.

and speaking of which. loved the excuse you gave while shopping in london. you know, the reason you had the extra large size of children's jeans in your hand. that's because she's a got daddy'd genes. i am sorry. if my daddy was constantly in jail and my mommy was in and out of rehab, i'd be eatting too. i know i eat when stressed. but, i also work out to balance it all out. and the fact that she ignores daddy whenever she wants to and sides with mommy. i suggest you hold onto those moments before she writes that tell-all book which eventually becomes an emmy-award-winning miniseries.

through thick and thin, i admit that i watch. if anything, the show accomplishes two things and accomplishes them well. the first is that money obviously does not buy you happiness, stability or mental sanity. and second, this family is making themselves the poster campaign for the youth of today. the poster campaign of how to turn your life into a mess. all you have to do is not support your children financially, do drugs, believe that food is the answer and put your craziness out there for the entire world to see.

better you than me. thanx for the craziness, the laughs and more importantly, for making me realize that my life ain't so bad.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

The Morning After

today is the morning after the holiday where we celebrated our nation's birthday. and i have the same feeling that i did on friday. on saturday. on sunday. and yesterday. not very patriotic in the least.

i was talking with my grandmother sunday evening and she said that she missed the family bbqs the most. as a kid, the 4th of july was all about being on summer vacation, swimming all day, being with my enormous family which consisted of cousins i saw once a year and having a competition with the neighbors as to who had the best neighborhood display of illegal fireworks. being the nerveous nelly one of my aunts was, i was only allowed to hold the sparklers as i sat and watched my older cousins set off the big stuff. the neighbors across the street may have had the pig roasting in the backyard, but we always had the more lofty display. as the years passed, the number of family started to decline. people died. people got married. began families of their own. some moved away. i eventually moved away from home and coming home for the 4th was no longer a priority. it was all about attending other people's bbqs and getting liquored up with my friends.

for my 28th 4th of july holiday, a reality set in. i have sort of figured out why this years holiday meant nothing more to me than just an extra day off from work. i honestly feel that this year i have no reason to feel patriotic. why? let me tell you.

i am living in a country which i feel is the greatest country on this planet. america is by far, the land of opportunity, freedom and hope. however, we are also a nation who only have a 45% approval rating for the man a majority of this country chose to lead us into the great unknown. not to mention that this is a man who has had drug and alcohol problems, comes across as a complete idiot when speaking, has 2 uncontrollable children and tried to impliment an ammendment into our country's constitution that out-and-out discriminated against the gay community.

not to mention the fact that we been fighting a war now for almost 4 years in which i can honestly say i do not see any results from. do not get me wrong, i respect the people who enlist in the armed forces and defend this nation, including the people in it. i just don't agree with their job. one of my best friends is in the navy. i respect her motivation and drive. and of course, i respect her for doing something i never would. i just do not support the reasons we need to have it. millions of dollars are being wasted every month to support a war which has not had a positive influence on anyone when this country lacks in education, medical advances and employment opportunities.

this saturday was the live eight concert to raise awareness about poverty in foreign countries and put pressure on the upcoming g8 conference. now this is something i admit i have never understood even when i was back in grade school. i have never understood why america feels the need to be everyone else's older, protective brother. we stick our noses in the business of countries who never ask for our help. and let's be honest, it is only for our personal interest that we do it. we have thousands of people dying from AIDS everyday in this country. we have an outrageous unemployment percentage. we have homelessness. people who are hungry. shit. we were attacked on our own soil less than 4 years ago. thousands of innocent people dead. who is coming to our aide? i understand we are a super-power, but even the super-power bleeds from time to time and needs support.

seeing the movie 'crash' yesterday did not help my current state of mind. great movie. but very intense and it makes you think. makes you think, because unfortunately, in 2005, most of the issues this movie deals with are still true. there is still an incredible amount of hatred among people within this country. hatred among people of different color. hatred among people of the same color. in a country of 'limitless opportunity' people choose to grab onto that in different ways. and that causes hatred among one another. bitterness and resentment.

it still amazes me to see how cruel people can be to one another. in a time where we have overcome so much as a nation and as a people, there are always some constantly adding to the struggle. in a land of opportunity, there are still some who look to take that opportunity and use it as a tool against others to hold them down. why would we try and hurt our own advancement? we should be joining together as a nation to cushion, help and advance our own people. no matter their background, skin color or beliefs.

look at me. i am a caucasion, 28-year-old, educated, professional male. i am still a minority. i still cannot legally marry the man i choose to spend the rest of my life with. kinda hard for me to get all excited and celebrate a nation in which the people running it are trying to deny me the opportunity i was born with, but did not choose. i have voiced my opinion and i exercise my right to vote. unfortunately, i am outnumbered and ultimately have no say as to who is in charge.

so, my faith in this country continues to plummet. as does my faith in people.