Wednesday, May 25, 2005

It Ain't Easy Being Green

no one said life is easy. if it were, visions of people all doing the same thing with permanent sh*t eating grins plastered on their faces come to mind. and how boring the world would be.

now, i am not patting myself on the back or trying to stand on some higher plane than anyone else, but i have overcome a few obstacles here and there in my 28 years on this earth. obstacles in which i am proud to have overcome. i was forced to become an adult rather quickly when my parents got divorced and take on responsabilities many 6-year-olds are not expected to handle. upon turning 18, i never once asked my parents for anything nor did i expect them to bail me out of any situation i got myself into. i changed my major half way through college, went after my passion and busted my ass in order to fulfill the credits i needed to still graduate on time. i completely picked up, quit my dead-end job and found the money when there wasn't any to go to grad school in an effort to advance my career. i even acknowledged to myself and certain family members that i am gay. and a proud gay man no less. i recognize and acknowledge other peoples accomplishments. and i am not naive or stupid enough to think i am the only one who has had to endure these struggles in the history of the world. i enjoy learning from others experiences and sharing mine with those who ask.

however, the one area i continue to struggle in and have yet to overcome is dating. it seems to be a vicious cycle that i cannot seem to break. i have been out for about 10 years now. and let's face it. guys are guys. whether they are gay or straight, a guy is still a guy. and most guys are a**holes. now, i can admit that there is the distinct possability that it is me. i will be the first to admit that i am by no means perfect. i have flaws and relationship/commitment issues.

is it a coincidence that all of the guys i end up dating all turn out the same way? could it be that i have fallen into a pattern? nice on the outside, but freak out on the inside when things seem to be going well. is that them or me? newsflash fellas...i really am a nice guy who is not out for anything from people. the only thing i expect from people is to be treated the way in which i treat them. and oh, i don't cheat. i know it seems hard to believe that a gay man claims to not cheat, but it is true. i have been cheated on (big surprise) and have been the 'other' person. but i refuse to be the cheater. the other two positions suck, why expose myself to the third?

many people who know me claim that i have a heart of steel which will let nothing or no one in. and to an extent, that is true. i am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. and why is that? because it always does. no matter how good or bad the relationship/person is, something always happens. it may not come in the first few weeks or even the first few months. but, it will happen. i guarantee it. in my opinion, better sooner than later. this way feelings aren't that far involved and no one gets hurt.

i am the type who always walks away from a relationship/dating someone at the first sign of a problem. one little thing and bam!...i am gone. don't have the time for it. besides, why continue and run the risk of getting hurt? or give someone else the power to hurt me? hello, defense mechanisms take affect.

my last relationship was a disaster. it was the first time in which i ever learned what it felt like to be in love. and for as bad as i was hurt, i still say that it was love. at least on my end it was. before him and even after him i practiced the notion of 'fcuk 'em and leave 'em.' get out while you still can and while the heart is still in tact.

however, within the last month, someone reeled me in hook, line and sinker. kept telling myself to not think, just go with the flow and enjoy what is growing into a mature, respectable, balanced relationship. enjoy his words and steady compliments. listen to your friends. you deserve this. finally, my dating kharma is coming back to me. the universe is throwing me a bone. maybe the other shoe will hang high for a while.

i was wrong. once again.

now i have heard and even used a lot of excuses in my 10 years of dating. the best came last night. i was woken up out of dead sleep by the person i am currently dating to be told that he is so scared he is sabotaging what we have. and how is he doing this you ask? by saying he would spend the night with me, yet go out til after midnight with his friends and proceed to get loaded. honestly, i could care less what he does. there isn't a ring on my finger (and with the way this country is going, there never will be) and it's only been a month. we don't live together and i do not control anyone. why? because i want no one controlling me. a simple phone call telling me where he was headed and that the plans have slightly changed would have sufficed. instead, i get a drunken phone call explaining his sabotage plans and the fact that he is petrified that i will break his heart. and where was i when all of this was taking place? that's right, asleep in bed. that's always where i do my most damaging heart braking. make what you want of that last sentence.

are guys just stupid? a**holes? not mature enough to enter into relationships before the age of 40? i feel that the answer to all of these questions may be yes. i have to admit, after 10 years of partaking in the game of dating, it is getting real old. i think i may be ready to come out of the game coach.


Anonymous Pamela said...

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