Thursday, April 28, 2005

Coming to a Gym Near You

the other night i followed my usual routine, which was to go to the gym straight from work. while there the thought crossed my mind that i have been working out/exercising for close to 10 years now. you'd never know it by looking at me, but yup, almost 10 years now i have been breaking my a** trying to stay in shape and feel good. throughout those 10 years, i have belonged to all different types of gyms across the country. and i have noticed that even in different types of gyms, in different areas of the country, there are still the same types of people who occupy them.

i'll start with the dudes.

1. the dude who is the personal trainer there and acts like a complete tool in an attempt to impress the female client he is currently training.
2. the dude who is the personal trainer that acts like an even bigger tool when he is there working out for himself. often walks around the facilities acting as if he owns the place.
3. the dude whose color of his tight under armour shirt matches not only the color of his sneakers, but the color of his bandana...everyday.
4. the dude who works out with the color coordinated guy and thinks he is three times his size just because the guy he works out with is three times his size.
5. the dude who smells like pure and utter a**. this is the dude you pray does not come near you for fear of others thinking you are the one who smells like pure and utter a**.
6. the dude who comes to the gym to socialize rather than work out. this is the dude who often invades people's personal space and continues to talk to them even when they are in the middle of a set.
7. the dude who feels the need to grunt like a barbarian during his sets and slams the weights onto the floor at the completion of his sets. upon seeing this dude in the locker room, one word comes to mind...compensation.
8. the two dudes who always work out together, everynight. they are the dudes who seem to be a little bit more than just work out buddies.
9. the dude who brings a book with him to the gym. this is the dude who reads an entire chapter in between sets and holds everyone else up.
10. the dude who is an obvious senior citizen and never got the memo that short shorts left the fashion scene in the mid-80s.
11. the really hot dude who has a beautiful body which is completely ruined when viewing his work out outfit. tank top, shorts and flip flops?!? wtf???
12. the dude who is beautiful with both his body and face. this dude probably does not even need to be working out and would look perfect even when not at the gym. we hate him.
13. the dude who has no clue about anyone else's personal space and decides to stand right in front of you, blocking you out of the mirror, in order to do his sets.
14. the dude who will ask you to spot him if you make eye contact with him. i am sorry motherfcuker. if you can't lift it on your own, that's not my problem. don't bother me.
15. the dude who is too impatient to wait for you to finish your sets and asks if he can work in. hey a**hole, don't you realize that it takes longer to add and subtract the weights and keep readjusting the seat?!?!?
16. the dude who feels the need to touch everyone he speaks to, even when passing you and saying 'excuse me.'
17. the dude who is obviously new to working out and the gym itself. this is the dude who often wanders around looking confused and lost.
18. the dude who parades around the locker room completely buck a** naked. this is also the dude who should not be naked even in the dark.
19. the dude who sings at the top of his lungs and sometimes dances in between sets while listening to his discman, walkman or ipod.
20. the dude who you've seen out in the clubs, yes those types of clubs, and will now not give you the time of day.
21. the dude who is obviuosly gay (you've seen him at those types of clubs) and works out with the obviously hetero trainer when the trainer does his own working out.
22. the dude who insists on taking the precore machine directly in front of you, blocking your view of the tv when all the other machines are open as well.

and now the be-otches.

1. the beotch who thinks that she is too pretty to work out and is afraid of breaking a sweat for fear of ruining her make-up.
2. the beotch who has no regard for others personal space and will block the view of yourself in the mirror while adjusting her i-pod.
3. the beotch who talks on her cell phone the minute she steps foot on the precore machine until the minute she steps off. nothing sexier than carrying on a conversation with a beotch that can't breathe.
4. the beotch who flirts with and distracts the guy who is on the machine that you are waiting for.
5. the beotch who asks if she can work in with you on a machine, assuming that you'll say yes simply because she is a girl.
6. the beotch who thinks she can jump ahead of you onto a machine simply because she is a girl. i'm gay beotch.
7.the beotch who feels the need to speak at the top of her lungs letting everyone in the gym know how drunk she got the night before and who she woke up with that morning.
8. the beotch who works out with the really buff guys and thinks she's buff because she's with them.
9. the beotch who acts really nice to any guy who walks by but shuns any other female.
10. the beotch who thinks her lack of exercise knowledge and motivation is really cute and amusing.
11. the beotch who complains every second she works out with the personal trainer she has hired.

final observation. there are more dumb dudes in the gyms trying to impress the beotches. the beotches have some dignity and remember why they are there. thank you to them.


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