Monday, July 18, 2005

Kids. The Latest Gay Accessory

i was going to give my opinion on the lastest episode of 'bbb.' because last weeks show unvailed the root of all craziness when it comes to the mr. & mrs. and at the root of it is papa b. the head of the family. the craziness just seemed to trickle out to generation after generation from there. i was told this weekend, by the other half, that watching me re-enact scenes from the episodes are half the fun of me watching. so, hopefully, with a frustrated-ex-crack-is-whack-diva celebrating mother's day with tons of screaming little humans running around on this coming weeks episode, it will not fail to provide me with material.

which leads me to the topic in which i have bigger fish to fry. children.

this weekend i had the (un)pleasure of spending an evening with several gay men and their children at a social, public event. i found myself sitting on a picnic blanket in the middle of a park, listening to a free concert, surrounded by people who i consider to be my equals and their tiny tykes. within the group i was a part of, there were 6 humans who do not qualify to obtain a driver's license just yet. or even a permit for that matter.

now, it is my opinion, and my opinion only, that when there is an event in which alcoholic beverages are being served, there is no room on the menu for milk bottles or juice boxes. when there is food being served which goes nicely with my bottle of '3 buck chuck,' there is no room in the cooler for goldfish and baby food. i am sorry. my hummus assortment and brie cheese needs to stay cold. it says so right on the package. i didn't invent the rules, but am sure to stick to them.

what can i say? i am just not the kind of gay who dreams of settling down with my partner in a ranch-style house and have every bedroom filled with little ones tucked beneath the sheets as visions of sugarplums dance in their head. any spare bedrooms i have are reserved for friends visiting from out of town or friends who had too much to drink and can't make their way home that night or morning.

i enjoy only having to worry about making my lunch for work in the morning. i have enough trouble deciding what i am going to wear that day and could not imagine what i would do or how much time it would take to pick out several other outfits. all of which, i wouldn't even be modeling. and the whole reason i no longer have roommates is because i grew tired of cleaning up after others and monitoring the way in which i enjoy living. if i want to walk around naked, so be it. i enjoy my life. i enjoy going out and staying out as late as i want. i enjoy picking up on a friday afternoon and taking off for the weekend on last minutes notice. i like not having to make dinner if i am not hungry. i like sleeping til 11 after a long night out. i like going shopping for things that i need and want. and i like saying fuck whenever the fuck i want.

seems to me that the latest craze to hit the community are kids. they are everywhere i look. the boyz on 'six feet under' have not one, but two possible adoptive children living with them. even the gayest show ever 'queer as folk' has gays and lesbians alike with multiple children. wtf? or should i ask 'wtf is wrong with me?' do i not possess some fatherly-my-life-is-not-complete-until-i-have-cleaned-up-puke-off-the-couch gene? have i not recently been bitten by the mosquito carrying this disease? and i use that last word strategically.

now, please. do not get me wrong. i hold the utmost respect for those who adopt children less fortunate and who need good homes. more power to you. you are all better people than i could ever be. with that being said...

what bothers me more than children themselves are the parents (particularly the gay ones) who think that after one conversation with me i will have instantly changed my mind and begin shopping at baby gap. do not judge me or say that you are concerned for me and the way i live. from the stories i have heard, 9 times out of 10, these people were there not too long before me. do not force your parenting-everyone-needs-to-try-this-bullshit on me. i don't eat red meat. would love to hear how many friends feel i have made that my personal pilgrimage to change those i know. and just the other day, i learned i am lactose intolerant. so, hold on to your hats my friends. i'll be sure to garnish all your dairy products with hot sauce in an effort to stop the dairy supply in this country.

so, again. props to all of you who chose to add to your household. i am happy by myself and with the many visits and overnight stays with the boyfriend. i don't complain when having to spend a few hours with those who can barely form sentences. i will however, go home and shower. to wash the slobber, food and child off me.

so i leave this topic in the most-gay-i-have-no-children way i know how. i will take a song from 'wicked' and change the title. i sign off by saying, 'i'm not that kinda gay.'


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