What's Your Costume?

there were two things that happened this weekend which were completely seperate from one another, but the more i thought about them realized that they were one in the same.

today is halloween. the one day out of the year in which we choose to dress up in a complete disguise and possibly be or act like someone we wish we had the balls to be. we completely abandon our actual reality and play make believe for a few hours. the boyfriend and i attended a massive halloween bash saturday night. anyone who is anyone gets invited and a no-show or decline in the invitation is a sure fire way to be d-listed the following year. like any other party, but this one in particular considering the whole halloween premise, entry to the party put you on immediate display to the other attendees. now keep in mind, this was a predominantly gay-attended and gay-hosted party. with that being said and laid out on the table, my mind was in awe at some the costumes. there were your traditional guys dressed as women, pirates, criminals and priests (this was a gay party after all). what i didn't understand were the half-naked costumes. there were half-naked cowboys, half-naked surgeons and even half-naked 'desperate housewives.' put the tongues back in your mouths breeders, they were men. i thought that some of the guys just got diverted from a usual saturday night out at the local club. now i am sorry, but never did i have a history book in grade school that pictured a half-naked cowboy. maybe if they were, we wouldn't have had that nasty dispute with the indians. and if surgeons really were half-naked don't you think that the hospital would be more of a happier place to be? i mean come on, i watch 'desperate housewives' faithfully every sunday. and never once have i seen terri hatcher flashing her titties. but come to think of it, maybe if she did she would have sealed an emmy win.

to me, it seemed like these people were looking for any excuse to be half-naked and wave their gay flags with pride. on a night in which you could step out of character and completely be something you are not, i wonder just what these people are really hiding. is it an insecurity that each one of them has? do they honestly think that its a person's body which is the main selling point when looking for the ideal partner? and i'd have to say that i am almost certain that each one of these people who were half-naked are in fact, single. and the other thing i noticed was that the age of these half-naked people were either early 20s or mid-to-late 40s. am i to assume that the late 20-year-olds to mid-40-year-olds are not only more secure in their relationships, but more secure with themselves? i will admit that my early 20s were all about walking into a scenario and being the center of attention. but as i matured, blending into the background became more appealing. but come to think about it, if it weren't for those who crave attention, who would the rest of us talk about all night?

i spoke with a good friend, who i have known since college, on the phone yesterday. after telling me about her latest love triangle, she admitted that she is ready to have something more. someone who stays the entire day and doesn't leave first thing in the morning. she wants someone with more than just a body, she wants some substance.

i told her that in my experience, i have found relationships when i was not looking. but, there is another part to that piece of the puzzle. i believe that there is someone out there for everyone on this planet. however, i also believe that there is a very good chance that you may not find that person. once you have accepted that fact and are comfortable with the possability of living life on your own, there is a new found confidence a person takes on. and in return, a brand new group of people will find themselves wanting to be in your presence. this is a confidence that you yourself may not recognize but those around you will. and those are in fact, the people that one would want to surround themselves with.

so, here's hoping that all of those who are hiding behind something they really aren't will find the confidence within the next year and cover up for next years parties.

Dear George W.

hi there. my name is not4nothin and i live in one of the red states who voted your sorry a$$ back into office. i really don't consider myself to be much of a political person. however, since i am a registered, united states citizen and did everything in my power to get your a$$ voted out in last years election, i feel that i have a right to complain a bit. because even though i didn't vote for your sorry, cocaine-snorting, illiterate a$$, you technically do still work for me. and therefore have to answer to me.

let me start off by thanking you. thank you for getting our country involved in a war that is this generation's vietnam. i guess that you figured (or at least your aides told you) that it'd be a good move to try and hide behind what your daddy started. i guess they figured you'd put an end to it and come out looking like a great big hero on a big, strapping horse. guess they never saw the 33% approval rating coming. back to my point. thank you for having thousands of our soldiers sent overseas to live each and every day in fear with suicide bombers and people who want control of their own country all around them. as a result of this, we have been given 2,000 of those soldiers back. in body bags of course, but you already knew that. that woman who sat outside your vacation home for weeks on end wasn't just there to take in the scenary.

and another great big thanks for the astronomical gas prices our country is facing. i for one, who has no other way to travel to work in my car, really appreciates it. wouldn't it just be faster for me to set fire to the money myself? a part of me would feel better knowing that it wasn't going to you and all of your oil-hungry friends who are holding on to the reserves, refusing to let them be released. and for what reason? so that you could all get richer. so, the rest of us will just head into the holiday season pissed, financially strapped and cold because we are afraid to turn on our heat. nothing like being broke cause i have to pay for gas as opposed to spending that money on my loved ones to get me into the christmas spirit. keep that in mind as you are decorating one of the 20 trees found in the white house.

thank you for trying to put forth a constitutional amendment to discriminate against all homosexuals. nothing makes me feel better than knowing that the person elected to run this super-power of a nation has hate within his heart. if you ask me, you're kind of running a little parallel line to someone named hitler. let's hope you don't get the crazy idea in your head that you would ever have that much power or that the people who agree with you on this issue would ever let you do such a thing and cause us to relive one of the most horrific times in history. i can't tell you what it does to my national pride knowing that even though i was born, raised and continue to live in this country that as long as you are in power i will never have the same rights as the average man or woman when it comes to declaring who i am in love with. my boyfriend and i should come and make out on the white house lawn. or better yet, on the tour of the white house.

now i am by no means qualified to run this country. i can barely manage a full-time job, a social life and fulfilling all of my responsabilities as an everyday, average adult who pays bills and gives back to my communtiy. but, here's a small piece of advice. start suggesting replacements for the poeple leaving office who are actually qualified for the position. and you might want to think about surrounding yourself with those same people as well. there is a small, and i do mean small, chance that if you surround yourself with smart, qualified people, that smart and quailified may just rub off on you. and you might be able to convince the remaining 33% who are sticking with you that you are actually qualified for this position.

i think that's it for now. until your next huge fcuk up which should be in a few short days. thank you for your time and have a great day.

sincerely,

not4nothin.

ps- please advise your mom to sit a few more seats to her left when attending the next astros-white sox world series game. you and your family have seemed to invade and fcuk up one of the last few pleasures left in this country. not to mention, she's older than dirt and not the most attractive to look at. thanx again.

It's A Mad(ge), Mad(ge) World

what a crazy week, and it is only thursday.

for starters, madonna has released a new single, 'hung up.' and i admit that i was not too crazy when i first heard a snippet of it. let's just say that i am now addicted. before i was able to download it (or have a co-worker download it) off i-tunes i would play it over and over again off her official website madonna.com. and according to i-tunes i have already played the song 8 times this morning. i don't know what comes over me every time this woman so much as farts. i have been a huge fan of hers since i was 5. i remember stealing my parent's cassette of her first album 'madonna' and jumping on my bed as 'lucky star' or 'holiday' played over my portable cassette player. such huge forshadowing right there!!! i am proud to say that i have seen 4 out of 6 concert tours and came extremely close to meeting her once. it feel through at the last minute and i am kinda glad, don't want my perception to be ruined. i've stuck by her through thick and thin...the whole pepsi/'like a prayer' controversy, the 'papa don't preach' scandal, the 'sex' book. and although i think the kabballa thing has gone a little too far, i am still here after 23 years. i don't know what it is that comes over me. i instantly revert back to my childhood everytime this woman does some significant with her career. maybe it is the subliminal part of us that always holds our childhood close to us. let's face it, adulthood ain't no walk in the park. what i wouldn't give to be jumping up and down on my bed to the tunes of 'borderline' once again. for now, i'll settle for being glued to my tv tomorrow night as mtv airs her new documentary commercial free.

moving on...the boyfriend told me last night that the commissioner of the nba is trying to put into play a dresscode in which the players are to be seen wearing a jacket and tie both before and after every game. and jewelry is not to be seen or even worn while on the court. one player said that he agreed with the new dress code as long as the nba provided him with the $ to purchase the suits he needs to be wearing. wait a sec. are you fcuking kidding me? you mean to tell me that even with the minimum salary of a few hundred thousand, you want the nba to purchase your wardrobe for you? here's a suggestion, cash in some of the bling around your neck and in your ears to go purchase a nice wardrobe. take the expensive pimp-mobile back to the dealership and buy some crisp shirts you fcuking a$$hole. i am barely keeping my head above water with rent, groceries and the tons of school loans to pay back. and i work 5 days a week for a minimum of 8 hours. but nba players need more $ to buy clothes. show me how to dribble d*ck and keep your mouth shut. statements like that only prove to the world that you were drafted before graduating. again, moving on.

it appears that the underdogs in both the american and national leagues are headed to the world series. since my team got eliminated in round one, i don't really have much room to talk. my problem, like last year, is that a team who finished in 2nd place during the regular season is now headed to the series. i have not enjoyed the playoffs since they started this wild card sh*t a few years ago. i am sorry, but it should be all of the first place teams duking it out for the title. not a team who happens to get lucky in the end. just goes to show that $ makes the world go round.

and while a violent hurricane makes its way into the gulf, madonna is singing to me for the 14th time this morning. take shelter people in the gulf. learn from the last time.

Come On OUT!

apparently, yesterday was national coming out day. i completely missed that fact. not that i needed one specific day to come out. i did that over 10 years ago. but i wonder what is so special about october 11th that the gay community would declare that as the day to break down the walls and come out to the world as a homosexual. something to think about.

last night as i ate dinner, i sat down and watched the logo channel, the new all-gay network which has been launched by MTV. that's right, we are taking over the world. we now have our own gay television station. better monitor that parental televison block chip all you people in the red states. we are on tv 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. what next?! marriage?!?! anyway, i digress.

since it was national coming out day, they had a 30-minute special, a documentary, that followed a person around as they tell their family and loved ones that they enjoy the company of people of the same sex. the first (and possibly only) installment of this documentary followed a woman, karen, as she prepared to tell her mother who is dying from a rare brain disease that she likes the girls. karen is a 28-year-old, single mom who likes being a woman and dressing all girly-girl. she had highlights in her hair, wore big earrings and showed off her boobies. she pretty much looked like all the girls i knew in high school and college. there was one part of the show which stood out in my mind, because the ignorance that still exists in 2005 completely blows my mind. karen was in a club and getting hit on by a dude. she told him that she was gay and he could not believe it. his response was 'but you're so pretty.' now i am willing to bet that dude hears that line from girls a lot, but in this case it was true. newsflash breeders...like yourselves, there are many types of us gays within the community that make up the community as a whole. it's called diversity. you have it in your world and so do we. i like things that are classified as being straight. i could name, in order, the entire yankee starting line-up. and on the flip side, i could probably recite every single line of every single episode of 'the golden girls.' again, it's called diversity and being well-rounded!!! but, again, i digress. my point being that this world is made up of all types of people. and no one should be judged by who they invite to share their bed for an evening, a few evenings or for a lifetime.

ok, digressing. karen told her sister first that she was gay. her sister smiled while throwing her arms around her. she then said, 'good for you. you finally said it out loud.' OMG, what amazing support. she then told her mother, who said that she is still the one bright spot in her life. now, i don't know if was the cameras being there or these people's true feelings, but a tiny flower broke through the concrete i have been told surrounds my heart.

fortunately for me, i had a very similiar experience. the people who i feel need to know about my true identity do and still love and support me unconditionally. but i am not stupid, i know that not everyone has the same experience i had. i know plenty of people in their mid to late 30s who are still in the closet or have been ousted by their friends and family because of who they have fallen in love with. is it any wonder why drugs, alcohol and suicide rates are so high within the community?

flashback to 10 years ago. i had just graduated high-school and knew who i was. i liked the boys. i would leave my girlfriend's house and go to my best friend's to really 'play.' he has since chosen to join the police force, stay in our hometown and lead a complete double life. i knew that was not for me. i needed to get out, go to a bigger city and discover who and what was out there. i needed to come out for me. and that's just what i did. actually, i jumped out.

away from friends and family, making new friends. i knew exactly who i was and was finally comfortable with it because the new people i encountered were comfortable with it as well. and for the first time ever, i realized that i was not the only one. i returned home for thanksgiving, having been away for only 2 months. i came out to my dad first. after the initial 'this is all my fault' passed, he threw his arms around me and said he'd known for years. i am sure that having a gay parent helped, but i honestly think it would not have mattered.

i spent the next 2 years wondering how i would now tell my mom the secret i carried with me when back at home. at this point, everyone who knew me knew who and what i was. how could i keep this from my own flesh and blood? from one of the people who gave me life? how could i tell her that there would never be a wedding? no grandchildren? i am not one of those fags who wants kids. i like my life the way it is and i like spending $ on myself and my boyfriend. the time had come. she came to visit me at school. we went out for dinner. i chain-smoked through the appetizers. and finally the words came out, and so did i. well, i started off as bi-sexual (leaving the door open for that last shred of hope) and finished the conversation as 100% gay. after her initial concern because she is a nurse, she said that all she has ever wanted for me is happiness. whew! two supportive parents. who could ask for more?

back to the present. 2005. 98% of the people in my life know the real me. the remaining 2% would be my 4 grandparents who do not know. and i have 2 reasons for that. the first being that i am not close to one set of grandparents at all. and the second reason being, what's the point? they are over 80-years-old and are of a different generation. what they don't know won't hurt them. all of my friends know. co-workers know. and in the conservative, red state i currently reside in, that is a huge deal. there are 3 other gay people in my working environment, 2 men and 1 woman. i am by far, the most out. i talk about my boyfriend, co-workers have met him. i have never hid who i am. a straight co-worker once told me that she had such high respect for me...being a 28-year-old gay male, in a highly conservative state and i am not ashamed of who i am or hide who i am. that meant a lot to me.

i look back over the past 10 years and i see the amazing strides this community has made within that time. teens are coming out in high-school. something i never thought possible. i wouldn't have done that. shows like 'will & grace' are on television and portray gay men as intellectuals who are also just looking for love. a few states are acknowledging equality and legalizing gay marriage. it's not many, but it is still a start. and gay adoption is not as hard as it once was. maybe that wedding and grandchildren are possible.

melissa etheridge once said that every gay person should have the opportunity to come out in front of a room full of people and hear nothing but applause once the words 'i'm gay' leave his or her mouth. i could not agree more. however, i would immediately turn around and applaud the people who still accepted me and felt it didn't matter because they still see me as a person first. being gay is nothing to be ashamed of. we are part of this society too and have tons to offer. i am not saying that everyone needs to accept and agree with it. just acknowledge it.

Poof!

what a week. a ton has gone on in this crazy country we call america. among all of the marriages, divorces, car accidents and baby announcements (i predict an unfortunate miscarriage in 5-7 weeks) there are 2 events which caught my attention in particular.

the first would be the presidential nomination to replace o'conner earlier in the week. the ever-famous george w. nominated his personal lawyer to take a seat on the supreme court. a woman who has no experience what-so-ever in being a judge. that's like an artist all of a sudden wanting to become a welder. yet again, g.w. has made an excellent case that he is in fact an idiot. while the prices of gas and oil continue to increase and the (texas & arab) friends of g.w. continue to get richer, he's in the oval office literally thinking that his own personal lawyer would make an excellent replacement for one of the most forward-moving supreme court justices of our time. and let's take a closer look at this nomination, shall we? 60-years-old. never been married. no kids. and loves being outdoors. is that the texan way of saying she's dyke-a-delic? she's one pair of berkinstocks and a flannel shirt away from licking carpet. actually, i think she's already there. and that eye liner. looks like she took two slugs right in the face and lost the battle against fashion.

and on to our very own american idol fantasia. this week, it came out that fantasia is in fact illiterate. how did this come out you ask? while dictating, yes dictating, her memior to an author, she included that little known fact in with the fact that she was raped as a freshman in high school and had to drop out when she got pregnant at 17. blah, blah, blah. now, i routed for this girl since audition one. i knew she was going to win. and she deserved to. she has an amazing voice. but, the only difference between her and every other rape victim and high school drop out is the set of vocal chords she was blessed with. do i like her any less? absolutely not. it takes amazing talent and skill to memorize words to songs you don't know because you can't read them. that is a skill in itself. it does make me question the educational system we have going on in this country. how can someone make it through the educational system for 17 years and not be noticed as unable to read? is it that today's teachers are not motivated enough to help those who require a bit more attention than the average student? do they no longer want to deal with students like that and just pass them along hoping the next teacher will take the time? how does this happen?

seems to me lately, we have become a country of many things...a country where you can get married, have it annulled (for the right price) and get married again within the same year. we have become a country in which the fake procreation of two hollywood stars (well, one hollywodd star and one beard who is promised to become a star) takes presidence over real problems like unemployment, sickness and our troops defending our freedoms overseas. ultimately, we have become a country in which POOF! you can become anything you want with no qualifications what-so-ever.

The Apple That Didn't Fall Far

this weekend my dad came from my hometown for a much-needed weekend visit. the last time we had seen each other was back at christmas, close to ten months ago. this has been not only the longest amount of time it has been since i have been home, but also the longest amount of time that has passed since seeing my dad since my birth. and as i have stated in earlier posts, my dad is so much more than just my dad. he is one of my best friends.

anyway, the weekend consisted of many great, detailed, in depth conversations. the type of conversations which span over the course of several hours and feel like minutes. conversations in which opinions are stated, taken into consideration and acknowledged even if not agreed with. he recently returned from a 2-week european vacation with his boyfriend. yes, you read that correctly, his boyfriend. get the whole apple not falling far reference??? anyway, he said that the europeans did not blink twice when he and his partner, who is of a different ethnic background than we are, walked the streets, had dinner or visited the museums. in fact, he said that he saw couples of many different backgrounds, both gay and straight walking the streets of paris and barcelona.

let's face facts. our country, for as great as it claims to be, is still a very young nation. we outcast and throw shame on anyone who is different than we are. and those differences span across religious beliefs, politcal beliefs, sexual practices, skin color, backgrounds and even education. so basically, and i use a hypothetical example here, a man in the united states who is educated, holds down a good job and salary, has a nice place to call home, maybe donates money and time to charity and does not have a criminal BUT falls in love with a person of the same gender should be cast out of society and is actually considered to be 'the part that brings the rest of society down.' for a country that considers itself to be 'the melting pot' i would say that is a pretty closed-minded view to have. ultimately, the people in this country do not view people as people. that's all we are. people.

a person's make-up should not be judged or evaluated by who they vote for, who they pray to (or don't pray to), and by no means who sleeps along side them in bed. ever notice that in many movies, plays or stories that are told to us, when a person in power falls in love with someone of a lower rank that it takes place in a foreign country? oh sure, we have it here in america. everyone saw 'maid in manhattan,' right? leave it to us americans to put a comedic spin on issues within our society that many consider to be taboo. that is how we handle the situation...make fun of it. any wonder why suicide runs rampant within the gay community and as a nation, we are extremely overweight? until recently, hasn't the gay person in very movie, television show or play been the nelliest, most feminine queen ever? thank you writers of 'will & grace' for showing some of us as educated, sophisticated, cultured adults who don't stick our puds in everything that moves.

there are so many problems in this world. the irony is that many of the same problems which we see outside our borders really aren't that far from home. we have poverty, homelessness, illiteracy, AIDS and people fighting to be considered equal to everyone else. we have natural disasters within our own country happenening and people we elect pointing fingers at one another. maybe we should stop being the big brother to everyone else and take the time to be the bigger brother to ourselves.