A Bump in the Road

well, not4nothin has had quiet the bumpy week.

it all started when i flew back to my homestate to work a few weeks on a feelance position for a company who is interested in hiring me. i sat in the airport monday morning getting ready to take off and thought back to all of the freaks that i have seen in the airport the past few weeks during my travels back and forth. unfortunately for me, ever since 9-11, everyone looks like a suspect. from the dude with the tats and piercings all over to the granny who needs to be wheeled up to the gate to the woman walking around with a huge tropical bird on her shoulders.

i just made it to my connecting city and had minutes to spare to make my connecting flight. as i ran through the terminal, i kept looking over my shoulder to see if the woman who was on my first flight and was going to be on my second flight was keeping up with me. i took my seat and prayed that since i just made my flight that my luggage would as well. i landed in my hometown, met my mom and headed to baggage claim. i stood there and watched as each and every other person who was on my flight pull his or her luggage off the moving rack. the only people left were me and the woman trying to keep up with me to make our connection. the airline said it never left the connecting city. so, the only clothes i'd have for my first day on a new job were the ones on my back. great. same jeans. shirt. socks. and even underwear.

cut to the next day and my first day at work. it was a long one. 10 hour day, without lunch. toto we aren't in kansas anymore. we in the big city business world now.

cut to thursday morning. not4nothin's 29th birthday. woke up with a splitting headache and feeling a bit achey. hoping and praying it was the result of the 3 glasses of wine from the night before, i loaded up on drugs and headed out the door. the entire day, i trudged along wanting the day to pass just like any other. i was in no mood to celebrate this year. forget the whole this-is-my-last-year-in-my-20s but my life is utter chaos right now and i felt not worthy of celebrating. as the day progressed, i slowly felt worse and worse. i sat across the table from my family and although i felt extremely lucky to be sitting across from my very sick grandmother, there was one very important person who was still missing. to me, the most important person in my life. the boyfriend. it was this day of all days that i missed him the most. what i would have given to wake up next to him that morning of all mornings. to have him be the first thing i saw as i awoke and started my 29th year. receiving that one special kiss from your sweetie on 'your' day. and since we started dating 2 months after my birthday last year, this would have been our first together and i waited 10 months for it.

as the day drew to a close, i felt more and more like hell. i was running a low-grade fever and spent a lot of time in the potty. come friday afternoon eating was a complete waste of time. it would have been easier to just take the $5 i spent on a soup, yup toto, big city, and just throw that directly into the tiolet. by saturday morning, my a$$ crack could literally have been clarified as a toxic waste zone.

but now, my health is on the up and up. stacey kebler just got eliminated from 'dancing with the stars' and tomorrow starts a new week. still miss the boyfriend and dog immensely. but with each day that passes it is one day closer to being with them again.

If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It.

'brokeback mountain.' the gay cowboy film. most oscar nominations of any other movie this year. best actor. supporting actor. supporting actress. director. picture. adapted screenplay. all of the country is a-buzz. theatres refusing to show it. limited release in certain cities. the cast on 'oprah.' 'ellen.' on the covers of every single magazine that graces a magazine stand.

and now i have to ask. what the fcuk am i missing???

***do not read any further if you have not seen one of this years nominated films***

i was all excited about the release of this movie. sexy jake and ok heath gettin' it on. lips locking. hips thrusting. and it is being released early in the gawd-awful red state i reside in!!! what more could i ask for?!?! the boyfriend and i, along with another couple who are friends of ours, went to dinner before hand and then off to see the movie. of course, the theatre was filled with fellow homos and hags with their boyfriends all waiting in anticipation for 'the greatest film in history' to begin. the lights dimmed and excitement began to run through my body. you would have thought i was in one of 'those' kind of theatres. throughout the movie, i scanned the audience for reactions to what was happening on the screen. why? cause i did not see the big fcuking deal about what i was watching!!!

first of all, the story was not anything i haven't seen before. two star-crossed lovers who cannot be together for some life-altering reason. perhaps you've all heard of a little story written back in the 1600s by the name of 'romeo & juliet.' only difference here is it involves 2 men (which in shakespearen times all the roles were played by men anyway) and it takes place in wyoming. or one of those other boxed-shaped-squared-states who kill homos. love, marriage, sex, can't be together. blah, blah, blah.

and talk about no character development. at least in 'r&j' we get to learn how much of a sap romeo is and how far both teens are willing to go for love. here we have 2 men on a mountain, for what i thought was only 2 or 3 days, in a tent going to town after a night of drinking. granted for gay men, 2 or 3 days is like waiting a lifetime before playing 'find the canoli.' turns out they were actually on the mountain for an entire summer. i wish i could fast forward through time like that sometimes.

i also spent half the movie trying to figure out what heath ledger was saying. one would think that he was the bottom, still clenching in pain from have jake rammed way up his poop shoot. i have been all over this country, from one coast to the other, and never have i had that much trouble trying to figure out what some country bumpkin was saying.

and the ending?!? come on. couldn't they come up with anything better than death as a result to a hate crime?!?! did i just spoil it for you? can't say i didn't warn you. hate crimes are nothing new in the gay community. unfortunately, they still exist today. heard about the guy in massachusetts who entered a gay bar with a hatchet? mhmm. they still exist. how about a movie that ends with the 2 gay characters ending up together despite society's prejudices and living happily ever after?! there's something we don't see everyday. and i am talking about 2 men, not women. 2 women even remain friends after the relationship 'goes south.'

i was able to see the cast on 'oprah.' apparently, this script has been bouncing around hollywood for quiet some time. no one would touch it. in my opinion it's not because it was labeled 'the gay cowboy movie' (come on, there are tons of gay cowboys. just watch logo every now and then) but because it is nothing new. and jake. loosen up when talking about the 'gay thing.' being all uptight only makes us think even more that you suck cock.

i have friends who said they were unable to sleep the night they saw this film because they were moved so much. did i miss something? moved? yeah, i was moved. to ask for my money back. to write heath ledger and ask what the fcuk his lines were.

i have talked to many people across the country who have seen this film. i have heard the controversy it has caused. and i have thought about it. i spoke with a close friend of mine who has been surrounded by gay people her whole life. she lives down south and felt the same way i did about the film. she has a friend in connecticut who was extremely moved. my friend said something to me which made complete sense. 'reaction to this film has a lot to do with where the person viewing it is located geographically. and what their experiences with the gay community consist of.' with those 2 sentences it all clicked for me. makes perfect sense.

still puzzles me why people like oprah were so moved. surely being in chicago she's seen her share of gay people. sh*t. maybe she's even been to 'sidetracks' on a sunday afternoon for showtunes. one could dream.

guess it all boils down to experiences. experiences with the gay community. and experiences with love and relationships. guess that's why 'r&j' confused me also.

That Which Does Not Defeat Us...

...only makes us more exhausted.

what a week. interview after interview. interviews for jobs i am interested in. interviews for jobs i am not interested in. and interviews for jobs that were a complete waste of my time. i tell ya. one of the hardest things in life has got to be the process of finding a job. they say that the easiest time to find a job is when you have another job. who 'they' is i couldn't tell you. but let not4nothin say that finding a job when you have no job is a fcuking pain in the a$$.

this year has gotten off to a rocky start for me. my mother underwent surgery with 'woman's issues,' my dad went through some intense therapy for his neck and back. and my grandmother who is severely ill gets worse by the day. and i. i began the new year unemployed. it seems that every 3 years i have an extremely bumpy year. 2003 was the year of my assault and i am sure something happened back in 2000 which i have blocked out.

so many people have said to me, 'that which does not defeat us only makes us stronger.' and my other favorite is, 'everything happens for a reason.' and in time, i have come to be a firm believer in both these sayings.

let's take the first saying, shall we? 'that which does not defeat us only makes us stronger.' well, i would like to know who the fcuk it is who decides how much one human can possibly take. there have been many moments in my life where i thought i just could not take anymore. that what i was currently experiencing was the absolute worst i could go through. but somehow, i made it through. and fortunately, i took away a valuable lesson which may come in handy in the future. but shouldn't there be a time when the person experiencing the hard times (currently, me) is able to say, 'enough. i am strong enough. and have i not taken on so much in the past? when will it be someone else's turn?'

and now the second. 'everything happens for a reason.' i do believe in this one. i firmly believe that losing my job was the push that i needed to make something better for myself. as i mentioned before i hated my job. actually, i need to rephrase that. i love what i do. i hate where i was doing it. i was stuck in the middle of a testosterone-filled, d*ck measuring contest. to some gay men would seem like a dream come true. not so much for me when none of the players were the least bit attractive. so, this was what i needed to get to the next level and make something better for myself.

all in all, living these two sayings day in and day out can be completely exhausting. it is so draining trying to keep a positive attitude. halling my cookies from interview to interview and riding the rollercoaster of emotions has been exhausting. fortunately, one company is extremely interested in me and my abilities. we are going to do a slight courting to see if things would work out. so, i am going to cut my stay here at home short, head back to the gawd-awful red state in which i reside and come back in a week.

so, get ready boyfriend. i'll be back in time for that retarded holiday on tuesday!

C-O-M-P-L-E-T-E-1-8-0

well, not4nothin is back. i know it has been a while, but come on, how many people actually read this website??? irregardless, i am back.

i had posted a few posts ago everything i was thankful for at the beginning of the holiday season. unfortunately, a few of the things i was grateful for are no longer in existance.

a few days before heading home for the christmas holiday, my employer decided to terminate my position. ho-ho-ho! in all honesty, there are no bitter, angry feelings. when you hate waking up every morning because you know where you have to spend the next 8+ hours, you know it is time to move on. i could no longer take the 'whipping out of the d*cks and seeing who could piss further' boys club that consumed my work environment. and truth be told, i was looking for a few months prior, but missed the fall hiring.

so, since there is no more full-time employment, there is no insurance either. since i was covered until the end of january, i went to every doctor under the sun and as my mother said, 'make those sons of bitches pay.' of course, every sniffle or cough makes me panic since i can't afford (literally) to get sick.

the one thing that i remain grateful for is the boyfriend. he has been absolutely amazing. he never used the word 'you' and has referred to everything as 'we.' he has truly been my rock and i don't know what i would do without him during all of this. he has been such a great support system with a smile and kiss of encouragement. has even been looking for a job in one of the cities we've chosen to possibly move to.

so, what do you do when life hands you lemons? make lemonade. i am now back in my hometown with interviews lined up throughout the week. and the encouraging thing is that all of the companies came after me.

here's hoping.