Saturday, February 11, 2006

That Which Does Not Defeat Us...

...only makes us more exhausted.

what a week. interview after interview. interviews for jobs i am interested in. interviews for jobs i am not interested in. and interviews for jobs that were a complete waste of my time. i tell ya. one of the hardest things in life has got to be the process of finding a job. they say that the easiest time to find a job is when you have another job. who 'they' is i couldn't tell you. but let not4nothin say that finding a job when you have no job is a fcuking pain in the a$$.

this year has gotten off to a rocky start for me. my mother underwent surgery with 'woman's issues,' my dad went through some intense therapy for his neck and back. and my grandmother who is severely ill gets worse by the day. and i. i began the new year unemployed. it seems that every 3 years i have an extremely bumpy year. 2003 was the year of my assault and i am sure something happened back in 2000 which i have blocked out.

so many people have said to me, 'that which does not defeat us only makes us stronger.' and my other favorite is, 'everything happens for a reason.' and in time, i have come to be a firm believer in both these sayings.

let's take the first saying, shall we? 'that which does not defeat us only makes us stronger.' well, i would like to know who the fcuk it is who decides how much one human can possibly take. there have been many moments in my life where i thought i just could not take anymore. that what i was currently experiencing was the absolute worst i could go through. but somehow, i made it through. and fortunately, i took away a valuable lesson which may come in handy in the future. but shouldn't there be a time when the person experiencing the hard times (currently, me) is able to say, 'enough. i am strong enough. and have i not taken on so much in the past? when will it be someone else's turn?'

and now the second. 'everything happens for a reason.' i do believe in this one. i firmly believe that losing my job was the push that i needed to make something better for myself. as i mentioned before i hated my job. actually, i need to rephrase that. i love what i do. i hate where i was doing it. i was stuck in the middle of a testosterone-filled, d*ck measuring contest. to some gay men would seem like a dream come true. not so much for me when none of the players were the least bit attractive. so, this was what i needed to get to the next level and make something better for myself.

all in all, living these two sayings day in and day out can be completely exhausting. it is so draining trying to keep a positive attitude. halling my cookies from interview to interview and riding the rollercoaster of emotions has been exhausting. fortunately, one company is extremely interested in me and my abilities. we are going to do a slight courting to see if things would work out. so, i am going to cut my stay here at home short, head back to the gawd-awful red state in which i reside and come back in a week.

so, get ready boyfriend. i'll be back in time for that retarded holiday on tuesday!


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