Hit the Road...

...and don't ya come back no more, no more, no more, no more.

i was going to save this topic for a few weeks from now when i finally get my own apartment, but i have hit my breaking point. let me start off by saying this...roommates. they SUCK!!!i will be the first to admit that i am one of those people who just cannot live with others. i am an only child and i need my fcuking space. and do not touch my sh*t. i enjoy knowing that when i come home, i can have quiet if i want, i can walk around buck ass naked if i want and if there is any mess left behind, it is my fcuking mess. i have only ever gotten along with one roommate and that is because we were on completely opposite schedules and she was in a relationship and spent most of her time at her significant other's dwelling. i say dwelling because the significant other was by no means human.

i am currently living in an apartment which started off with 3 people and has been scaled down to two. and a cat. that fcuking cat. one roommate moved out once she decided she wanted to move in with her boyfriend. and stick us with her portion of the rent although the Cee U Next Tuesday was on the lease. well, after taking her to court and winning, she didn't get her way. well, in a way we all did. she was still gone, took her negativity with her and paid what she owed on the remainder of the lease. so help her universe if i ever, ever run into her again in public. i feel a public humiliation coming in the future. as i mentioned before, she was never really around and didn't bother me. although when she was around with her tool of a boyfriend, they were incredibly pathetic and self-absorbed. they are the couple who makes others want to puke upon being in their presence for as little as 2 minutes.

anyway, i digress. it is my roommate who was left behind who really gets under my skin. her and that fcuking cat of hers. if you couldn't tell, i am not a fan of the feline species. they are disgusting and in my opinion, the spawn of satan here on earth. i knew i'd be in for a treat when we first vacated the apartment and i was told that i couldn't put anything out on the kitchen counters 'because of the cat.' is that motherfcuker paying rent? until he does, i'll put whatever i want wherever i want. and so help him if he destroys anything of mine. i have grabbed him by the neck and hurled him down the hallway more times than i can remember. now, before someone calls the animal police on me, i do it the way mother cats carry their young in their mouths. so, that justifies it. and i love dogs. have been looking for the perfect dog who'd like a special treat which would include a 10 pound snack.

let's get back to the humans, shall we. the cat's mother. she annoys me. she is more dramatic than most, if not all, of the gay men i know. and timid to the point that she is afraid of her own shadow. she used to have the view that i had to do everything in the apartment because i am the man. well, once i told her this was not longer 1950 and to go get herself a man, that quickly changed.

to keep this short and to the point, i'll get to the points that really get under every layer of skin with me.

#1. the need for every light to be on in the apartment. doesn't matter what time of day it is, whether she is in that room or not, or if the sun is shining directly in through the windows and hitting her dead in the face. lights have to be on. i could guess every square inch of the apartment she has been in just by what lights are on. what do i do? count to 10, walk over to light and turn it off. word of advice...stop bitching when the electric bill comes and complaining that you are constantly short of cash.

#2. since being unemployed, has forgotten that she still has responsabilities in the apartment. yes, getting laid off sucks, especially in the current times we are living in. but, you are an adult and still have responsabilities. and don't give me this crap that you are now unemployed. that has nothing to do with whether or not you have the strength to unload the dishwasher, take out the garbage or bring the recyclables to the center. it is not a contest to see who can pile the garbage higher or who can fill the most bags with plastics. you did it before, what's changed?! what the fcuk you do all day?! and do not tell me that you can't afford papertowels, but have come home trashed twice and continue to purchase bottles of wine and cheap ass beer for yourself.

#3. we only have one tv connected to cable. and that is in the living room. and in my name. since when is it ok to plant your sorry, dramatic ass on my couches in front of the tv while you yak away at full volume on your phone. if you need background noise while telling your friends just how bad your life is, haul your ass into your room and put on the stereo. and that's another sub-topic. the stereo is always on, even when no one is home...for the cat. again, does he contribute to the electic bill? does he jam out to the latest nelly song when none of us are around?

#4. you think i care about things going on in your life and will support your pity party. WRONG. the less i know the better. you are so negative and it rubs off on anyone within 50 feet of you. that is why i keep my distance, keep to my room and only say 'hey' when i see you.

#5. you are extremely inconsiderate. two people occupy this space. i do not appreciate having to step over your shoes in the hallway, having to move your computer off the kitchen table so i can eat dinner chord-free or have to have my guests call my cell phone to tell me they are downstairs and can't call up to the apartment because you are online 24/7 IMing people you really can't stand.

#6. this is the last one and probably the biggest. you have never once said 'thank you' for handeling the 3rd roommate situation. i did not ask you for one single fcuking thing. no assistance with legal fees, no testamonies, not even the help of two of your uncles who are lawyers. two simple words, one syllable each. and by the way, have you realized i saved you hundreds of extra dollars now that you are unemployed? if it were up to you, you'd rather roll over, play dead and be taken advantage of.

yes, folks. 3 weeks from today, i will be on my own. with no one to yell at, be pissed at or freak out on because it will all be mine. all 620 square feet of it. i will be rid of all roommates and cats. fcuking cats.