Monday, September 19, 2005

I Feel It In My Fingers...

...i feel it in my toes. stupidity is all around me and so the feeling goes.

i always said that the world is filled with stupid people, but this weekend sure rang true for that statement. a weekend filled with tasks as simple as running errands showed me just how stupid a majority of the people out there really are. is it a wonder why japan kicks our a$$ in the intelligence department?

saturday morning, i was up and out early to begin a day filled with a gazillion and one errands. figuring i'd play it safe, i brought with me my coffee travel mug. god forbid i try to function on a saturday before 10 without digesting a full pot of coffee. out the door at 9:40 and to my first stop by 9:55. and by noon, i had been to the art store, to the phone store to donate my old phone, the apple store to have my shuffle looked at, 2 groceries stores and fill up my car with gas. and i still had more to do. back to my apt. by 12:05 and back out the door to head to the farmer's market and to the office to get a little work in.

in that short-less-than-two-hour span, stupidity hit me from all sides. a large part of it can be directly traced back to the invention of the cell phone. i have a cell phone. i carry it with me everywhere i go. it is, after all, my only phone line. and i admit to talking on it when i am in the car alone. however, there is this great little invention that can be found in the gizmo section of any store near you. it is this long, thin cord that plugs into your phone on one end and has an earpiece on the other. let me clarify that the earpiece can actually fit into either your left or right ear for those who may be confused. and in the middle of this cord is a little microphone which enables the person on the other end of the phone to hear the words that are coming out of your mouth. and the great thing about this little invention is that it allows for 2 hands on the stirring wheel at all times if necessary. granted i look like a backup dancer from madonna's 'blonde ambition' world tour with the little microphone extension that runs along the side of my face, but i still wear my earpiece when driving.

i cannot tell you how many people i saw in their cars, on the phone without an earpiece in a short 2-hour span. i am guessing that their driving skills would not have been much better if they weren't on the phone. two particular stupid people stand out in my mind. first was the woman who could not be more than 5 feet tall in heels behind the wheel of a huge monster truck, talking on the phone while trying to pull into a tiny little spot between two other monster trucks. i patiently waited to pass her as she paused in the middle of the aisle to laugh at whatever the person on the other end was saying before finishing to pull into her spot. did my car all of a sudden have some sort of invisible shield around it where no one could see me coming? no, it's ok, it's saturday, i have all the time in the world to wait for you to finish your conversation. the next was 10 minutes after this on my way to grocery store #2. a woman again, on her cell without earpiece, merging onto the road off an exit ramp. without looking, or signaling, she decided to get in the middle lane without any regards for the car already in that lane. and by far, the best was the woman in her ducked-taped-together-piece-of-sh*t-ford, cigarete hanging from mouth honking at me to get out of her way. instead of turning and blocking the intersection, i chose to wait where i was for the light to change. word to the warning, do not honk at me. i can guarantee that you will get a few four-letter words and hand jestures thrown back at you. drive your lazy a$$ around me. where you have to go is no more important than where i am headed.

saturday night i attended a street festival honoring the italian heritage. 2 words. hoosier-central. my grandmother would have clutched her chest had she known where i was. not only were food descriptions spelled incorrect, but many see this as an opportunity to round up all the kiddies and make a night of it. i have said before and will say again, when alcohol is present, it is not a place for people who cannot enjoy it. is there some unwritten rule somewhere that says, 'when in a crowded area, the smartest possible thing to do would be to bring the stroller, stop in the middle of everyone and yell at your other rugrats or significant other.' someone please show me that. and i am sorry, but if you step on the back of my $3 flip-flops (thought i'd wear them to fit in) more than once, you are walking too fcuking close to me!!! and i do not need a rendition of j.lo's 'waiting for tonight' sung in my ear as you step on my flip-flops. again, you are standing too fcuking close. back up high-school be-otches. and think twice before giving me the dirty look. i got some news for you. you are not important now and in another twn years, you still won't be important.

but the one who takes the cake for 'stupidity of the year' is a man who lives in my apartment building. don't know who he is, but apparently he lives somewhere above or below my apartment as this is the 2nd time he has tried entering my apartment. but guess what? the key doesn't work a$$hole. why? cause you are trying to enter an apartment that isn't yours. being an intelligent person, here is my analysis of this. i think this a$$hole gets into the elevator and instead of hitting 6, which is directly above 3 on the elevator panel, he hits 3 and gets off thinking he is on 6. my apartment building was built in 1923. and i am sure it is still the same elevator. does he honestly think that he has been launched to the sixth floor that quickly? i don't know about anyone else, but if all of the keys on my keychain were all of a sudden not working, i would look at the apartment number and not stand there like a a$$ wondering why. could it be because the big 301 on the door isn't where you live? stupid fcuk. and because it bears repeating, this is the 2nd time this same a$$hole has done this. except this time, he interrupted relations that were taking place at the time of his stupidity. and that makes him the 'all-time king of stupid motherfcukers everywhere.' congrats!


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Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

OY to the blogspam...

I hear ya on the stupidity. One thing to add re: the monster trucks... I was in the upper east side of NYC yesterday and had to laugh when I saw a few SUVs/Hummers parked on Park Ave, with what I thought were fliers under the wipers. Turns out some local activist tucked enlarged newsprint articles re: how these vehicles over stress the fuel industry by not being fuel efficient etc...

Love this Gump-ism: Stupid is as stupid does. No truer words spoken!!

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